Mama Rocks

Hey! I moved!

2010-10-25T15:31:00.000-04:00

Come see the new place...... Making Messes!

Okay, okay- Here's my surprise....

2010-10-10T10:38:00.000-04:00

I didn't mean to leave you hanging....

Bless your little hearts, I'm NOT pregnant! Can you imagine? I'd be in a psych ward. I'm already a little batty as it is. I don't need pregnancy hormones and another Jonas Brother gain right now.

Case in point:

(I think in this pic I was eyeing the cupcakes on the table)

I've been a very busy girl, living off coffee, early morning runs and....packing.

Packing books...

Tossing old stuff:

Packing old journals:

(Hey- did you guys know that people used to write in journals?)

I'm moving. Both physically and interwebly.

My blog is taking a turn. A big turn. A less Starbucky, more snow, small town turn.

It's called Making Messes.

It's self explanatory.

And you can find me there from here on out.

So come on over and check it out......

That rhymed.

I have a surprise for you

2010-10-04T15:14:00.000-04:00

Actually two.

But give me a few days.

Here's some hints....

Messes

Trucks

Fires

Change

Happiness

Laughter

Air

Fear

Courage

Overnight Oats: It's all the rage

2010-09-29T12:14:00.001-04:00

So I like oatmeal. But only steel cut. Not because it's nutritionally superior (case that's a myth). I just like the texture. The rolled oats taste chewier than I like. I like the nutty texture of steel cut. But steel cut takes foooooooorevvvver to cook. And the Trader Joe's frozen- microwave stuff is too much cash for my oatmeal stash (like that?). I'm smart.

Anyhoo- I've been in collaboration with my crockpot, Edna, perfecting my overnight oat technique. My first experiment, know as the Pumpkin Slop of 2007, put a bad taste in my mouth for overnight oats. But earlier this year I decided to try again. I know a lot of people like the overnight oats that you just put in the fridge. But I'd prefer it be right there- hot and ready when I get up (that's what she said). Plus, I'm ever so extremely lazy in the morning. I gotta be on my second cup of coffee before I use my brain.

And so here's my Overnight Oat Plan:

Get yourself a Christmas light timer. Cause they gotta cook on low for 6 hrs or they're gross. No more, no less. And I was too lazy/tired/annoyed to come down at 12am to turn it on to be ready by 6am. BTW- why can't they make a crockpot that you can set to turn on at a certain time??? They can do it with coffee makers. Why not the crock? That's a crock of shit.

Ahem.

So, once you have your crockpottiness plugged into the timer- set it to turn on at midnight (or 6 hrs from waking).

In your crockpot:

1 cup steel cut oats
4 cups water
1/2 cup half&half or milk or soy milk or almond milk or whiskey

I like to accessorize my oatmeal in the morning instead of add it at night. Everyone likes different things. I usually put some pecans, raw sugar and maybe raisins. My kids like real maple syrup.

One serving of Steel Cut Oats :

Calories – 150
Fat – 2.5g
Carbs – 27g
Fiber – 4g
Sugar – 1g
Protein – 5g

That's a sweet nutritional combo for morning ya'll!

So yeah, that half marathon. And stuff...

2010-09-28T14:39:00.000-04:00

I've lost my mojo a little with the running. And find myself doing this at any spare occasion:

I love running. But the past two weekends have been crazy. So our long runs for the past two weekends have been cancelled. But since I'm not about making excuses, I'm gonna get right back on that horse and ride! (that's what she said)

I've got an 8 miler that is calling my name. And I'll make her my bitch this week.

In bootcamp news I'm burning mad calories. Averaging 650 calories per hour! My bootcampers hate me. I hate me. It's hard. But I loooooooooove the endorphins. When you've got a case of the crazies, you gotta catch an endorphin high where you can get it.

In other related news....

Shepherd is cranked up on oral steroids from his asthma attack and he's mean. Real mean. Like, Whitney Housten mean. Slaps, fits. Crazy fits. At 4am in the morning. I hear steroids will make his balls small.

I've cleaned and dusted every square inch of my house this week since Shep has been home from the hospital. And I got so into it that I think I had a cleangasm after running my dirty make up holder drawer thingies through the dishwasher. I was like Kate Gosselin on crack.

Turns out Shepherd does like apples. You just have to peel them. Again, he's like Whitney Housten.

We're almost current on this season's Mad Men. And we only started it from the beginning a month ago. Obsess much?

I outsourced Ed to buy my maxi pads this week. He took it like a man.

I outsourced Ed to buy me cannoli's this week. That wasn't really hard for him.

How to Fall Apart

2010-09-27T15:45:00.001-04:00

I'm sort of an open book. It's the only way I know to be. I don't hide things very well if I'm upset. I don't do well at "playing house." If shits falling apart, then shits falling apart. And you'll know it. When things are going well, then yee haw! You'll know it. I appreciate transparency in myself and others. It's a curse and blessing.

Last year I had a break down. Break. Down. I walked away from my blog. I stopped sharing. I shut down. I was overcome with out of control anxiety. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't function some days. My mind was always playing. Negative thoughts were blaring and I couldn't hear myself anymore. I tried to change things ups and dust myself off and forge ahead. But the days became long, the responsibility of life felt heavier than usual.

I tried to escape. I never wanted to stay still. To feel. I'd started feeling Un-Me. I'd say things I didn't mean. I'd do things I didn't want to do. I was convinced that everyone hated me.

"The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."-Mark 14:38

My flesh was weak. And my spirit was starving. All my spirit got were negative thoughts and anxiety scraps. And the thoughts came out of nowhere. They were irrational. They were loud. They were constant. But mostly they were untrue. But it's hard to know that when you're inside your head and the noise is too loud to hear the truth.

I was sailing on a choppy sea. And then eventually went overboard.

When someone has a physical illness, people rally around them. When someone has a mental illness, people don't really know what to do with them. So they do nothing. And I supposed I don't blame them. And you don't really want to advertise it, cause there's that stigma that comes with mental illness. Like, there's "normal" and "bat shit crazy." No in between. It's like putting a giant CAUTION sign on your forehead. Luckily I had a few trusted people in my life that ignored the sign and trusted my heart.

And here's the part of the movie where a weary, beaten up, almost dead person wakes up in a clean, sterile, white hospital room with the heart rate beeping in the background and loved ones staring at them.

I.

Woke.

Up.

I had my loved ones standing there, ready to walk me through this. I saw a therapist once a week. And then a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. I had been on an anti depressant for 7 years, but apparently it was the lowest dosage and essentially like "killing an elephant with a bb gun" my psychiatrist said. Good to know. I was just relieved that he wasn't insinuating I was the elephant.

For the first time in my life I had someone (the professional) tell me that I had been suffering. That what I was thinking and feeling was actually a disease, caused mainly by chemicals. He believes that I had severe postpartum after my last baby was born, but was never treated. Makes total and perfect sense....now.

Negative thinking can be chemical? Yup. The frontal cortex of our brain is responsible for rational thinking. In those that struggle with depression and anxiety- there is a significant lack of activity in the frontal cortex.

How could a gene lead to negative thinking? Well......the serotonin gene appears to make the amygdala, an emotional center of the brain, hyperactive.

Studies have found that a hyperactive amygdala is linked to extra sensitivity to negative stimuli, such as unpleasant images or events. People end up viewing the world negatively - noticing the weeds, not the flowers.- Cary Goldberg, The Boston Globe

I believe after the birth of my son and his medical issues and hospitalizations triggered my anxiety and depression. And then it was just like tipping over the that first domino. I was a hot mess.

But I've come a long way baby....

Anxiety felt like a giant tumor in my mind and spirit. It was taking over my life. All because of a chemical imbalance (well, mostly). I waited longer than I should have to seek professional help. I tried to cope in all the wrong ways. I tried to be strong. But I just wasn't. It was like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound day after day. And it only leads to infection.

I still struggle with anxiety and sadness. Depression has been defined as "anger turned inwards." That's why I practice kindness with myself now. When kindness gets louder than anger- life becomes less sharp. It's still has its challenges, but I guess I don't feel every blow to the core of my being like I did before. I can rationally back my way out of a negative thought. Whereas before I'd get sucked into it with no hope of escape for days on end.

Why do I tell you all this? Well, I'm an open book. And, sure, it puts me out there. But, eh, I don't care. I'd rather be known than put on some facade I suppose. Not that I had any facade going on here that had me confused with Michelle Duggar or Mother Teresa or anything. (I'd much prefer Anne Lemott-she knows Jesus, but she's scrappy and makes conservative Christians uncomfortable)

That and I've seen so many veins of life for me come together and merge into one this year. Exercise, health, food, marriage, motherhood, God. There is beauty in falling apart. Not for the sake of being melodramatic or "misery loves company." I'm not about wallowing in your own mess with no hope. But I think if we were a bit more honest with where we're at, we'd not feel so alone.

Gallactic Anaphylactic!

2010-09-25T19:54:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a crazy few day. Thursday morning Shep's cold developed into a full blow asthma attack. I took him to the doctor and oxygen levels were dangerously low even after two breathing treatments. She debated whether we should call an ambulance or if I could drive him straight to hospital. We decided I could drive to Scottish Rite (Children's hospital). There they gave him an oral steroid and two full hours worth of breathing treatments. Can you imagine trying to keep a 21 month old on a bed with a mask for two hours?! Yeah, me neither. But when they tell you your kid's lungs are working too hard and might tire out and he might need to be knocked out and ventilated- you sort of feel like holding that mask on a screaming toddler is a luxury vacation.

After those two hours, docs still felt his lungs were working too hard to breathe. We were admitted. Wasn't the first time we've been admitted. This is the third time. *sigh* Can you imagine keeping a 21 month old in a small, cage like hospital room with the round the clock breathing treatments and vital checks? Yeah, me neither. But we did it. Shep was a trooper. He was labeled a "happy wheezer." Meaning, he might be struggling to breath, but dammit he'll jump on the bed and push chairs around and play with tubes, cause "Hey! This shit is awesome!" Happy wheezers are particularly hard to read when it comes to asthma because they really don't let you know it's a problem until it's too late.

Sometime in the middle of the night (between delirium and yoga breaths for myself) Shep stopped weezing. Vitals got better and better and he was riding high on his oral steroid. See, the oral steroids make them mean. Really mean. Even though it stopped inflammation, it cause excessive inflammation in my face due to slaps from my cranked up son. He was not happy about me holding a mask on him and the steroids gave him just enough balls to smack the hell out of me out of nowhere. I took it like a man. Cause, my kid was breathing and all....

Finally asleep. After a long morning.

Get this damn purple dinosaur away from me. It's not cute anymore.

Hold Me.

The next morning he was well rested (that's total bull shit- he slept, like 45 mins) and was ready to play!

I was not ready to play. But JuJu (grandma) had flown in to be his playmate while I caught a cat nap.

Finally we were discharged (with a gazillion prescriptions in hand) Friday afternoon and thankful to be going home. Shepherd had been such a flirt and so Ooooey Goooey Cutsie Rolly Polly that the nurses were smitten with him. Apparently I got the only abuse. But that's okay. I'll take it. Cause I'm the one that gets to cuddle and hold him and be his mama. And I'm so so grateful that's he's doing better.

I'm now off to order crazy Helicopter Mom ID bracelets and labels and epi pen directions and inhaler directions to every and any person that comes within 2 feet of my son. Because the doctor told me so. She scared this mama. "He has a very bad combo of anaphylaxis (food allergy reaction where airways close up) and asthma. This can be life threatening and all it takes is a cold and a bite of the wrong food."

That's about when I *gulped* and took a deep breath. And started in with a little self blaming.

Then I stopped and chose to learn instead of blame.

So now it's time to get a little more serious about this thing. I think I've tried to sort of down play it in my head in order to cope. Thinking he'd grow out of it. So and So outgrew it by 2- so he will too. Yeah...... no. The reality is that he'll always have to carry an epi pen and an inhaler everywhere he goes. And I'll always have to start the meds as soon as I see that first cough or eye watering. And he'll more than likely have to get a puff or two when we go to the playground. Cause thinking back- the poor kid wheezes any time he exerts himself.

I flashed forward to him as a teenager. What if he does something stupid (cause all teenagers are stupid) and forgets his inhaler? What if he eats a pecan by accident while he has a cold? One day I won't be with him all the time. Will he remember?

But then I realized it's not my job to worry about his future. It's futile. Cause I'm all about the present aren't I? And presently I have a strong, resilient, smart toddler man child that is ready to go. And I gotta keep up with him. So I'll let tomorrow worry about itself. In the mean time I'll have my epi-inhaler weapon ready to attack.

Sprout your own sprouts. Or is that redundant?

2010-09-22T16:46:00.000-04:00

We love sprouts. We put them on salads, sandwiches, hot veggies, whatever. And they're so so good for you. Sprouts like alfalfa, radish, broccoli, clover and soybean contain concentrated amounts of phytochemicals that can protect us against disease. Canavanine, found in alfalfa, has demonstrated benefit for pancreatic, colon and leukemia cancers. Plant estrogens are also abundant in sprouts. They increase bone formation and density and prevent bone breakdown or osteoporosis. They are also helpful in controlling hot flashes, menopause, PMS and fibrocystic breasts tumors. (Ladies- down some sprouts with your chocolate when Aunt Flo is near)

Alfalfa sprouts also have saponins. Saponins lower the bad cholesterol, but not the good HDL fats. Saponins also stimulate the immune system by increasing the activity of natural killer cells such as T- lymphocytes and interferon.

You can find sprouts in the produce section where the pre sliced/packaged veggies are. Don't buy those.

Instead- Sprout your own! (And save a butt load of money)

1. Purchase a packet of alfalfa sprouting seeds at an organic market, farmers market or health food store. I bought mine online.

2. Place approximately 1 tsp. to 1.5 tsp. alfalfa seeds into a glass mason jar. Pour two or three inches of water directly over the seeds before covering the glass jar with a piece of cheesecloth. (I got the mason jar that came with the mesh netting) Secure the cheesecloth with a rubber band. Place the mason jar in a cool, dry location away from any direct sun. Ideally, the temperature should be 65 to 75 degrees.

3. Allow the alfalfa seeds to soak overnight. The next day pour out the all of the water through the cheesecloth. Remove the cheesecloth and use a butter knife to gently stir the damp seeds in the jar. Fill the jar with clean water and swish the seeds around, drain. Rotate jar around until seeds are dispersed evenly. Set near a window with warm sunshine.

4. Repeat this process of over four to six days. The seeds should begin sprouting within two to three days. You may notice small patches of seeds that have failed to sprout. Simply remove and discard them. By the fifth day place the mason jar in a sunny location for about 20 minutes. Doing so helps encourage the enzymes that make the sprouts nice and green.

Look! It's like spermies!

(Ewwwwww)

5. Harvest your sprouts on the fifth or sixth day. Remove the sprouts from the jar and place them in a clean glass or plastic container with a lid and refrigerate. Use the sprouts that you've grown in the next 24 to 36 hours. Discard any uneaten sprouts after that time.

Now put the little sprout spermies on your sandwich and enjoy!

Now...the winner of my Starbucks Giftcard Giveaway PLUS a cool eco cozy goes to..........

Number 18- Micah! It's a boy!

Micah, send me your addy and I'll send this to you.

Wordless Wednesday..

2010-09-22T13:19:00.000-04:00

(Taken by 6 yr old)

Holy Cannoli and Good Night

2010-09-21T20:11:00.000-04:00

I'm tired.

Was at a birth all night.

Was totally worth the lack of sleep though.

It was a redemptive, powerful birth.

Got a mocha on my way home.

Left it on my bed side table untouched.

Fell asleep for 3 hours.

God bless babysitters.

I once started a business when I was 11 babysitting.

It was cutting edge.

With flyers and everything.

It was called the Babysitter's Club.

It was totally original.

With a star at the beginning and a heart at the end.

Had a cannoli.

A Holy Cannoli.

It was rolly.

Cause cannolis are rolly.

Like, literally.

Now I'm in bed with my girl.

Damp head of hair laying on me.

Smells like clean.

And spongebob toothpaste.

And feels just right.

Good night.

Fit Whattin?

2010-09-20T16:51:00.000-04:00

Fitbloggin'.

Yes. Because every time you add an in' to a verb- it makes it nonassumming, fun, casual and cool as a cucumber. Just like bloggin'.

"Hey honey! What am I doin'? Oh, nothin'. Just bloggin.'"

Right?

Anyway...

I really really want to go to the Fitbloggin 11'. Like, really. Not only because I blog about fitness (but mostly about the deep meaning of life mixed with coffee and an occasional fart joke). No- I'm more motivated to meet the sweet faces of so many fit bloggers I've come to know. Or stalk. Whatever, it's cool. They are cool. They are funny. And they are fit.

AND...if that weren't motivation enough- you can enter to win a ticket here.

There's my plug.

Propelling Forward

2010-09-20T10:25:00.000-04:00

"When a woman is too far gone from home, she is less and less able to propel herself forward in life."- Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With Wolves

For me, Home is being kind to myself.

Kindness.

It's the spark before hope.

It's the bark before soap.

I'm sorry, I had to write that. It rhymed and it just kept begging me to write it out. I've deleted it twice, but it makes me happy to take a serious thought and smash it up with dorkiness.

Blame my father. In my family, you are praised for fart jokes.

Okay, okay, where was I?

Oh yeah.

Kindness.

It's the .... *sigh*..."Okay. I'm okay."

It's the safety net of relief below the tight rope walk of tension and doubt.

It arrives in the 11th hour.

And it's the sweetest gift you could ever bestow on yourself.

How you treat yourself colors everything you do, think, feel. If you're hard on yourself, you will be hard on everyone around you. It will paralyze you. You will be a lawyer with no one to blame. When you choose to treat yourself with kindness (and it is a choice), it's like a dose of morphine to an ailing body. The complicated sharp edges of life melt away into a smooth, quiet river. "Peace like a river"- the Bible says. And right before a unicorn comes galloping around the corner, you get hit with something. The edges start to turn sharp and jagged again. Something rocks you and a new lesson is to be learned. You're swimming in new waters, but you trust your ability to swim. And so life's never ending wave pool rolls on.

I used to believe that life would eventually settle. I would arrive at that magical destination place where things would be figured out, Challenge would be a thing of the past, marriage would be perfect, diapers would be changed, kids would not turn into humans that will bear broken hearts, people would be reconciled, stories would be told, I'd morph into Gwyneth Paltrow and Ed would morph into Al Pacino (Godfather 1), laundry would forever be caught up and a mocha would be on my bedside table each morning (*handed to me by Edward Cullen since he doesn't sleep and would have been up all night watching me sleep because he's THAT in love).

I've got another good 50 years to live (God willing) and I'm pretty sure I'll have some "Why?!!" questions for God when my time is up. And He can handle them. But in the mean time I've gotta find beauty in the small, hard things. The mundane. The brokenness. The average. The overlooked and neglected. The UNbeautiful. The last, but not least. The cobb-weby, dust bunny corners. Cause folks, if we wait around for that rainbow- we'll spend our lives waiting.

When you love something, you nurture it. You treat it kindly. When you love yourself, you treat yourself kindly. You have a bad day and know "kindness" isn't a tub of ice-cream. Maybe it's a glass of wine and a bath. Maybe it's cooking a nice meal after the kids go to bed and savoring it. Maybe it's a nice 2 mile run. Maybe it's just *gasp* a walk. Maybe it's something other than mistreatment. And maybe you don't have to eat your feelings or hate yourself. Maybe you're allowed to have a bad day. And maybe you're okay. Because this is life and we're all human.

What you do day in and day out is what you're doing with your life. Don't spend your life in tension. Don't spend your life striving to be important. Don't spend your life being friends with the right people. Or buying the big house. Or being the right size.

Think on your death bed- what will you savor? What will you regret?

Today: Do what you're doing with your life. And stop waiting.

*My husband is not jealous of my Edward fantasies. He thinks it's "cute." Plus, his name is Edward too, so if I call out "Edward," it's all good.

Act Your Way Into Feeling

2010-09-16T13:11:00.001-04:00

You can act your way into feeling.

But you cannot feel your way into acting.

Sometimes you have to fake til you make it. When the cycle of out of control eating, thinking, spending takes over, and you feel stuck in it and unable to get out- it's time to reframe. It's time to be the skinny person. To be the active. To be the calm person. To be the person in control of their finances. The person that's in there, but stuck in the tornado.

Beating yourself sometimes feels good. Feels like you're paying the price. Feels like you're punishing your way into better being. But it's never works. It only produces more of the same thing.

Act your way into feeing. Into feeling like you don't want to binge. Or don't want to get lost in anxiety. Or don't need to spend. Compulsion is escape. And there's nothing you have to escape from. The greatest fear is in the anticipation.

Waiting until you feel like making better choices won't work. Waiting until you feel like a skinny person will not make you skinny. Waiting until you feel like running will not make you active. Waiting until you feel like you're content will not breed contentment.

Act. Act. Act. Feelings, like the encore of your favorite band, will follow and blow you away.

Fake it til you make it baby!

Tummy Tuck: 1 Year Anniversary Pics!

2010-09-15T10:51:00.001-04:00

Actually the anniversary was Aug 22nd, but I forgot to post updated pics. Ruh Roh.

Here they are! Still can't believe it. Having big babies and 65 lb weight gains with each one just does a number on the ol' abs. Best money I've ever spent on myself. No regrets at all! I actually see definition in my abs now that the skin is gone. And I never have to think about wearing a fitted shirt again. Spanx was my bff and I haven't seen her in a year. Good riddance! Bitch.

Before:

After:

I'm working on a full tummy tuck progress page with all the gory pics you can imagine.

And I'm also working on a new blog!

(Well, my genius boy programmer husband is)

With a new name.

But more on that soon......

Come Enter: Starbucks Giftcard Giveaway!

2010-09-15T09:39:00.000-04:00

Okay, it's that time of the month again. Not that time. Giveaway time. Though, I think maybe, kinda, sometimes I'm more inclined towards a mocha during that time of the month. Which means that Starbucks and Menstruation could be forever synced for future generations of women. Which is all the more reason you need to win this.

But here's the cool thing.

Not only do you get a $25 Starbucks giftcard. You get this cool eco friend coffee sleeve or drink cozy made from fused recycled plastic bags:

We use them at home and love them! They're made by SoSheSews on Etsy. Check out her stuff. It's adorable on crack.

So, hold on Spider Monkey--you can enjoy your Pumpkin Latte this Fall with an eco friendly cozy to make it all better. And no one will know the difference if you decide to add a little Irish Coffee to it. (wink wink)

So- this giveaway is not complicated and straight forward to enter:

More Exercise=More Hunger=More Ass Fat

2010-09-14T10:40:00.001-04:00

Well, not your ass fat. My ass fat. And really, I'm ok with the ass fat. Baby got back. I just want Baby to have less thigh. Baby got back, but lean thigh.

So I have a subscription to Fitness magazine. I like to read it in the bathroom. I'm not ashamed. You do it too. The bathroom is the only place us moms can justifiably lock ourselves in a room while our children scream and pound on the door and not have CPS called on us. Plus, you get to read. Score.

Anyway, while in the bathroom reading, there was an article about how working out can actually cause weight gain. So should we stop working out? A smarty pants at Harvard says no.

"No, but it's not a panacea for weightloss either, because it does increase your appetite. The food- exercise equation is imbalanced. It may take an hour to burn 500 calories but only five minutes to eat them back."-Kendrin Sonneville, R.D., a researcher at the Harvard School of Public Health

Sorry fellow lazy asses-I was hoping for a get out of jail free card too. Actually, I'd still workout because I actually like it. And I think it makes me sane. Almost.

And then I read one thing that I've experienced over and over again. Exercise suppresses the appetite. Brilliant! Burn calories and eat less.

"But later that day, your body's hunger hormones can surge, making you want to eat. At the same time, your body's satiety hormones-the ones that signal that you're full-may decrease." -Barry Braun, Ph.D., professor of kinesiology and director of the Energy Metabolism Laboratory at the University of Massachusetts.

So that explains the Oh-My-God-I-Need-A-Paula-Dean-Meal break down about 3 hours after a long run. And I can't stop eating.

Their advice?

On regular workout days:

Take a few bites of an energy bar before or during workout

On intense workout days (more than 60 mins):

Focus on carb rich foods (not garlic bread) the meals before. So if you're running 10 miles at 7am tomorrow morning. Eat some whole wheat pasta with chicken and a sweet potato and your body will use it to push through the run.
Bring along some electrolytes along for the post 60 mins. Gatorade or Gummy chews.

And if I'm running 10 miles and gaining 10 lbs- I'll be one very Grumpy Jen. And you don't want a Grumpy Jen.

Sursly.

Recipe: Greek Feta Chicken and Curried Rice

2010-09-13T21:41:00.000-04:00

I've made this recipe a couple times and my family likes it, so I think it'll be lumped into the rotation. If I had a rotation. Having a rotation makes it sound like I have a plan. Which I don't. But I did...today!

Greek Feta Chicken:

1 lb skinless, boneless chicken breasts (3-4)

1 cup fat free greek yogurt

1 tbsp oregano

2 cloves minced garlic

salt and pepper

feta cheese

Put chicken breasts in a ziploc bag. Throw yogurt, garlic, oregano and salt and pepper in the bag. Get out as much air as possible. Massage around until all of chicken is coated. Put in frig. Marinate for at least 30 mins. Put chicken under broil for 6 mins. Turn and sprinkle each breast with feta cheese. Broil for 6 more mins.

Curried Rice:

2 cups cooked brown rice

Olive oil

1 small onion, diced

1 carrot, sliced

1/4 cup slivered almonds

1/4 cup raisins

1 tsp of curry powder

salt and pepper

Saute onion, carrot and almonds until onions are clear. Add rice, raisins and seasonings. Stir fry for 10 mins. Add some broth if it dries out.

I threw some of the leftover rice into hollowed out bell peppers and put them in the broiler:

It's an Orange Meal:

I love you, whoever you are

2010-09-13T11:35:00.001-04:00

I'd like to take a minute and thank all of you who read my lil old blog. It's nice to have a place to come and type. And share. Even if you don't leave any comments!

This year has been all about puzzles. Taking puzzles a apart. And putting them back together the right way. And I'm thankful for what's come out of it. Slowly but surely I've changed. Inch by inch. Thought by thought. Prayer by prayer. Like a giant Before/After picture of my brain, life, and heart.

It's cool.

And I like me.

I share too much.

That's not always a bad thing.

I have 6 women I call friends.

Not acquaintances.

Deep, vulnerable, life giving, balanced friendships.

Good, bad and badder.

They have my back.

I never have to wonder.

Everyone deserves a least one real, REAL friend.

And I've got 6.

I'm blessed.

Spoiled rotten.

I have a marriage that is 100% "on" and I've never been prouder of us.

I couldn't have said that 2 years ago.

I'm in love with my husband today.

I want to grow old with him and watch "stories" with him.

I like that my children look like him.

Sometimes I fart on him to be funny.

You know you do it too.

I make impulsive decisions.

If I'm into something- you won't be able to shut me up about it.

Then it's something new next week.

I change my mind a lot.

I'm full of contradictions.

I make mistakes.

I pick myself back up and keep walking.

I hate my pinky toe.

I crack my neck 30 times a day.

I really, REALLY believe that a massage can change my life.

I'm spiritual, but not religious.

But I'm Jesusy spiritual.

But I'm not Baptisty Jesusy.

I've not been to church in months.

I'm seeing God in my life, mind and heart more than ever.

I have peace.

Like a freaking river.

I like reality shows about dwarfs.

I know that they prefer being called little people.

But I like to feel like Snow White.

I have an obsession with my kid's toes.

I take pictures of my kid's toes.

And yet I hate my pinky toe?

A little too much.

I'm self conscious.

I put up a tough cover to hide my soft side.

But I'm all soft, squishy, weepy, and sentimental inside.

I am KNOWN.

I am LOVED.

This can change a woman.

I used to have a hard time saying I was sorry.

I say I'm sorry all the time now.

I've let go of a lot of bitterness.

I've reconciled with old friends.

I see a therapist once a week.

I've come a long way.

And I love you.

Whoever you are.

The Love of My Life

2010-09-13T10:42:00.001-04:00

I'd like to introduce you to the new love of my life. We have a hot, steamy relationship that will never go cold.

My new espresso machine and milk frother:

One of the many perks of running a business out of your home. It's a business write off!

And the best part: you get cute little espresso pods:

You slip one of these bad boys in there (that's what she said) and it makes your espresso in 30 secs!

And the Frother...

You guys!

The Frother froths in 30 sec TOO!

(Do I have a lisp?)

And the latte is seriously Hole-In-The-Wall-Cool-Coffee-Shop grade.

Add a little somethin' somethin'...

And behold!

Breakfast of champions:

Running is Hard

2010-09-12T21:10:00.001-04:00

I'm waiting for running to become easy for me. I won't hold my breath. It's always been hard with splashes of that "runner's high" here and there. And that's ONLY after I run 3 or 4 miles. Around mile 6 or 7 I start feeling it. But who the hell runs after 6 or 7 miles??!

We dropped the kids off at Ed's parent's and headed out for our 7 miler. I was dreading it. It's hot. It's hilly. And I'm so so lazy. But I know I love it after I'm done. And I walk around in an endorphin haze for a couple hours after. All giggly and peaceful and sore.

And so we did it! And I will never run at noon again. Ever. Never ever. So hot and I had to walk a lot more than I normally do because I was feeling the sickies. But I did it. And that counts for something, right?

Our new plan for long runs is to spend the night with Grandparents and run at 6 or 7am to beat the heat.

In other news:

I have this pumpkin vine that I was this close to pulling out because I thought it was a weed. But then it looked like a zucchini vine. But then I realized I didn't plant zucchini under my front porch. But I did throw out my old pumpkins from last Fall under my porch! And so I've weaved the vine every which way along the white picket fence in my front yard. It's like Charlie Brown's Pumpkin Patch. Except smaller. And realer. And more fun.

My first pumpkin harvested:

A poor little rotten fella':

And a bebe pumpkin with squash blossom:

Linus reminds me of Shepherd and his blanket toting ways:

Have a good weekend!

2010-09-10T12:40:00.000-04:00

I'll be reading 220 pages of The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery.

It's about a 12 yr old girl who wants to commit suicide.

A real "feel good" book.

Oh and I'll run 8 miles. Cause, you know, people do that when they train for half marathons.

And there will be much coffee consumed.

Cheers!

Worm Catchers and The Cullens

2010-09-07T14:17:00.000-04:00

So what happens when you need structure? My personal belief is that if you trust yourself and your decisions- and still feel like an eating plan is right for you, then you should be at peace with that decision. If you feel like you need to step back in order to be present- then that's the right thing. Making a decision with a present, whole mind will result in a whole decision.

I'm 147.0 lbs. Yes, I weighed myself. Still down. Just slowly, slowly down.

I won't lie- I wish it were 140.7 lbs.

But it's fine. I've learned that the scale reveals a number. And that's about it.

In Food News.....

After dabbling in vegan eating for TWO WHOLE WEEKS I've decided I feel better without sugar and dairy. Verdict is still out on meat. It's just so juicy and lovely and... dead.

So I went through some of my old weight watchers stuff and rediscovered The Core plan.

The

Core

Plan

Sounds funny to me. So I'm doing a version of Core-minus a lot of the dairy. Add a few glasses because....Duh.

In Fitness News....

In an effort to not go insane, bootcamp has now been divided into two groups: Worm Catchers (morning crew) and The Cullens (obviously better, night crew). I'm in the night crew. We're going to meet Mon and Wed at 7:30pm instead of 6am. Brilliant! I've been struggling with insomnia lately and the 6am wake up call was fanning the flame. I'm a changer-uppper and it was time. So changing it up!

Speaking of bootcamp- we've entered into a bit of a biggest-loser-esk competition. We have 6 weeks to lose weight. Whoever loses the most percentage of body weight wins the pot. Two. Hundred. Dollars. That's, like, 2 months of Starbucks.

The competition ends October 15th. I have no excuses. I'm going to do this. I'm not going to back out. I'm going to lose the weight and win it! My goal is 1-2 lbs per week. That should get me back into the 130's again where my jeans fit better and I don't stare at my thighs quite as much.

So, every week on Friday I'll post my weigh in. I feel like I'm cheating on Geneen Roth by getting on my scale. But, honest to God, I'm okay with it. And I still love Geneen.

In other related news......

I scored a 102 point word on my game with my nemesis, Sheila. She still beat me. I love her so much. But I hate her ass face. (In my best Christopher Guest voice)

Nerd Alert

2010-09-06T11:08:00.000-04:00

I was coaxed by a friend this weekend to go to the Dragon Con parade. I immediately declined until I heard there would be real life Storm Troopers and Fischer would lose his friggen mind if he saw one.

And so we went.

This is the only picture I had of Fischer. He and his friend wedged their way to the front and actually got to fight Real Life Storm Troopers with their lightsabers. And I could not hold my iPhone high enough over the people in front of us to catch it.

Who ya gonna call?

DeLorean....

Scary ass alien thing that apparently everyone in Nerd Fantasy Land "got."

Millie was alarmed.

And last, but not least....Chewy.

After the parade I laced up my running shoes and set out for 6 miles. I had Ed drop me off 6 miles from home. For some reason it feels shorter or easier or something to run towards something, instead of back tracking. I did the first 3 miles fine. Then I got jittery. Low blood sugar. Not cool. I tried to keep my run 5 min/walk 1 min ratio going but I couldn't. Got the shakes and felt queasy. I should have a good protein/carb/fat combo beforehand. Lesson learned. I needed to get home- so I just kept walking/running until I got there. Then I devoured some pretzels with chocolate peanut butter. It took me about an hour to get back to normal. I hate that feeling. And I was bummed because it was such a pretty day and I was really excited about getting that 6 miles in. Felt like a waste. Oh well. Fall is coming and there will be many more running days to come.

But.. I'm trying to figure out some good pre run snacks. I don't like running on a full stomach because it makes me sick. But I need a snack a hour before. Any of you runners have some snack ideas??

Sometimes you have to bake cookies

2010-09-01T16:17:00.002-04:00

And you sometimes you have to buy Disney icing that resembles toothpaste simply because it has Princesses on it and not because it tastes better.

And sometimes you have to let her put the entire jar of star sprinkles on one cookie top.

And sometime you have if you let yourself. .....

Because sometimes making cookies can be just what you need.

Even if you don't take a single bite.

Does multitasking making you fat?

2010-08-30T10:00:00.000-04:00

Are you a multitasker? Well, of course you are- you are human. I know being a mother requires a lot of mutlitasking. Women are natural mutlitaskers. That's why men don't have vaginas, right? I mean, we're pretty amazing aren't we? We multitask all day- wiping butts, washing laundry, texting, cleaning floors, wiping noses, making dinner, facebooking, bathing babies, making babies (HA!), pushing said babies out our poor, dear vaginas. It's exhausting. So, damn it, I'll eat those 5 slices of pizza and have a brownie or too. Because today was hard.

And hard is right. I'm sure you've heard: "I don't know how women did this motherhood thing without modern technology." Well, yeah, I like my dishwasher too. And I'll keep my washer and dryer. But do TV, phones, computers, computer games make our lives easier? Or do they make things more complicated under the guise of making things easy. How else would you know what Martha Stewart's home looks like and how you want your home to look the same if it weren't for modern technology? Or how Giselle had washboard abs 6 weeks postpartum? How else would you know that that high school friend has "done 5 loads of laundry, made two loaves of bread, made 6 months of baby food, finished washing and drying cloth diapers" all by 9am? Thank you, Facebook! I'm a bad mom and I want a donut.

The new standard has just been raised to a new unattainable level. And now we have to prove we can keep up. And the funny thing is- it drives us FURTHER away from permanent weight loss. Because when we can eat, we've probably eaten beyond full before we were really aware of eating. We have no time to be aware. Because our model homes with model kids and model bread machines are not going to happen if you stop to be aware. Who can be aware when shits in diapers and dust bunnies are clinging to the paci on the floor?

But is your multiasking making you more productive? Or do you feel like you're on a hamster wheel? And is productivity the only definition of a successful day? What about those rare, lazy Sundays where you lounge in your PJs all day and read? Which days are more soul nourishing? And how does that relate to eating?

Well, if we begin eating without awareness, how do we know when we're full? If our minds and hearts are being stretched to watch TV, eat dinner, manage fussy kids and answer texts on the phone- then how can we possibly be present? It's like a waste of a meal. So we take more bites, get seconds and ask for dessert because it doesn't feel like we've had a meal yet. And for those of us who tend towards compulsive/emotional eating, food can be our only sense of comfort in a giant cluster fuck.

"People say it's too hard to eat without distractions. It's too hard to stop when they've had enough. And I say awareness might be hard because it's developing a new skill but not being aware is hard, too.....eating in the car while talking on the cell phone, steering, putting on lip liner, and trying to get a hunk of hamburger in your mouth while not dripping the ketchup all over your jacket-is a bit of a challenge as well."~Geneen Roth

One of her guidelines is eating without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.

Did you catch the "anxiety-producing conversations?" Mothers of small children: Is this not dinner every night? I don't know about you, but by 6pm my kids are shot and I'm ready to sell them to the highest bidder. All three of them are in their witching hour and sitting down to eat involves a lot emotions. It's a season. It will pass. But in the mean time Ed and I have to live through it. And I can't escape through the Nutella, so I have to adapt.

So let's challenge ourselves! Try not to multitask this week.

Eat dinner at the table with no tv, screaming kids, magazines, newspapers, phones. (eat your dinner after kid bed time if need be)

Read a good book during the baby's nap (even though you could get SO MUCH done during his nap and then be able to update your status about your mad laundry and bread making skils!)

Spend 3o whole mins doing nothing but playing with the kids. No answering the phone, texts, email. (And play! None of that zombie shit)

Don't let your TV run on throughout the day.

Drink your coffee without CNN....Or worse: Fox News.

Eat lunch without distraction.

Go to the bathroom without your iPhone.

Cook your dinner without cleaning as you go.

For God's sake, drive without texting!

Put some music on and listen to it. Not as background buzz, but listen hear it.
Do one thing at a time. If you sit down to watch your favorite show and the dryer buzzes. Don't get up to do another load or fold. One thing at a time. Enjoy the moment without feeling the incessant need to multitask. Practice the skill of awareness and presence in the small things.
When you eat, do so with "enjoyment, gusto and pleasure, " says the 7th Guideline in Roth's book.

Obviously all multitasking isn't an admission of mind numbing unawareness. But I think practicing the skill of awareness throughout the day will help our waistlines and psych.

Fall is in the air!

2010-08-29T19:44:00.002-04:00

I was supposed to go out on my 4 mile run yesterday. Instead I sent Ed out for his 4 mile run. You see, I convinced him to run this half marathon with me on Thanksgiving Day. But now, it's more like he's convincing me. He's a pro at getting dressed and getting out the door quickly. I tend to want to linger. But here in the deep south- you either get your run in early or suffer the consequences of an over heated, torturous run. And me? I flaked. But the good news was that today was the first day I could linger outside with the kids for a while without sweating. And I was even wearing jeans. This is a good thing. This will make those training runs much more pleasant. I want to see some orange leaves and some halloween stores popping up already.

In other news.....

I've been christened by my Special Monthly Friend which leaves me dramatic, tired and eating this by the bucket full:

Any vehicle through which this can get into my mouth is acceptable:

Celery

Whole Wheat Pita

Sliced Apple

English Muffin

Oatmeal

Carrots

Crackers

Small Children's Fingers

Spoon

Walnuts

I actually used whole walnuts and dipped it in the chocolately peanut buttery heaven and put them straight into my mouth. I felt like I was committing some nut incest by doing so.

But it was

Good

I still lead an endless trail of contradictions:

This children's book is just cruel:

You can't go wrong with silver flats:

It's hard being a girl with a black leotard:

Tooth Fairy is in Town

2010-08-26T21:11:00.000-04:00

What's the going rate? I need to know if I gotta go to the ATM.

Wordless Wednesday..

2010-08-25T19:28:00.000-04:00

The return of the scale

2010-08-24T10:30:00.001-04:00

My liberation from the scale had affected someone other than myself. Ed. See, he was actually interested and tracking how much he weighed. I didn't think my feeble toss of the scale would be a big deal. You know, other than the freedom and joy that exploded in my heart and stuff. But turns out Ed kinda wanted it. Oops! He asked me if he could buy another. I concede.

It's back. Or, rather it's black twin. I prefer it's black twin. Fun loving, smooth, easy going. Marven Gaye. Yes, that's perfect. If you haven't picked up- I have a need to personify inanimate objects and turn them into celebrities. It was interesting watching Ed take it out of it's package and weigh himself. See, Ed's lost 45 lbs in the last year. You know, because he gave up beer and stuff. *Biting my tongue*

Anyway, I watch him through the doorway of our master bathroom step on the scale. His profile deflates in disappointment.

"Shit!"

I smile knowingly. Not because I'm happy he's disappointed. But because it's familiar. Welcome to the last 5 years of my life there buddy. It's funny seeing a man (though I know lots of you are out there) struggle with the predominately female oh-my-god-I'm-up-4 lbs-I- must-be-a-useless-human phenomenon. My validation and knowingness was short lived when he said:

"Oh wait. Nevermind, I'm down. I got the number wrong."

That NEVER happens to women.

So there it is. My fun loving scale. Instead of the taunting, stressed, white bitch- it's Marvin Gaye. Let's get it on. And so finally the other day I just said FUCK IT and got on. I was shocked. Not for that reason though! No. Guys, I was down 1 lb from when I got on last a few months ago!! And here I thought I was, like, at least 10 lbs heavier. I muttered "I like you," smiled and skipped off. I also walked away knowing that, huh, I can trust myself! I may not lose any lbs, but I can maintain on sheer, UNdiet. That's hopeful.

Now, what would I have done if I'd been 10 lbs up? Good question. Not sure. But I suppose I'd handle it the same way I've been handling things lately. Be present, lingering in the feeling long enough to process it and move on. Tomorrow is another day. And the weight of today can be blown off my shoulders like the dirt on Jay Z's.

Easy Like Sunday Morning

2010-08-23T15:22:00.000-04:00

Sunday morning I woke up with the kids since it was Ed's sleep in day. After getting everyone settled for breakfast, I made myself a soy latte (WTF? Where's the mocha you ask? More on that later). We eased into Sunday morning pajama wearing, book reading, syrup smelling, scrabble playing wonderland set to the soundtrack of Tom and Jerry and Shepherd's request of "ga ga's" (food) even though he ate 2 bowl's of oatmeal, 1 peach and a soy milk. The spell broke around 9 when Ed came downstairs, poured his coffee, sat on the couch and called me a pussy. As he should and is expected too. You see, I we're training for a half marathon together and I needed to log my 5 miles. But I was hoping he forgot. (Yes, Ed and I are running a half marathon together on Thanksgiving Day).

And so I manned up, got my running clothes on and headed to my favorite 5 mile route downtown. It sucked. Really sucked. You know how runs do that sometimes? Blech. I declared it a Wog since I lingered between a walk and jog pretty much the whole time. But one cool thing I saw was an albino squirrel. Isn't that like a 4 leaf clover? Lucky, no? Eh. Anyway, itt's way hot here in Atlanta and unless you get up at the crack of dawn- it's down right dangerous to run in this heat. Plus, I was sick last week and I don't think I quite recovered. But I got the miles in! So I'll stop whining.

But the FUN part of yesterday was last night Ed and I went on our once-a-week-date-night-god-please-let-us-feel-like-people-without-children-for-2-hours. We went to Barnes&Nobles and piddled around here and there, ~~binging on Us Weekly magazine~~ browsing the reputable news, health, and fitness magazines. I wondered into my old habitat of DIET BOOKS for fun. No, really. For fun. I took note of the crazy amounts of diets that are out there. Like the "thousand books of scripture" that I wrote about last week. I let a guffaw come out of my lips as I sat down and took it in. Dear God we need help. And as I sat there smiling and saying the titles of the books out loud to myself, I finally just relaxed. I wasn't looking into the rows of eye catching book covers for a promise of life change and redemption. I saw them for what they were. Books. And I walked away.

Then my man and I headed to Spoon. Spoon is a Thai restaurant in East Atlanta. And Scout Mob had a sweet deal of 50% off your dinner there. We indulged in wine, basil rolls and Vegan Pad Thai - all for $25!!!

It was a good Sunday.

Winner of My Bling Giveaway...

2010-08-23T14:26:00.000-04:00

Random generator number: 4 ~ Jen at Girl Heros!

Jen, send me your addy and I'll package your goodies.

You got my email. :)

Back on the Track Wagon

2010-08-18T14:10:00.000-04:00

"When you are deluded and full of doubt, even a thousand books of scripture are not enough. When you have realized, even one word is too much." -Fen Yang

I love that quote. You can interchange "books of scripture" for diets. And it all makes so much sense.

I've been a Scandalous Diet Quitter for 2 months now. Thus far it's been a very freeing and introspective experience. I've learned a lot about everything, all based on what, when and how I eat. It's really amazing what kinds of doors you open when you decide to feel life. Feeling life means that you don't have to taste it all the time.

I've told you of my nagging temptation to diet again. The need to crash diet and just lose a quick 10 lbs. And now that I've been on the "other side" for a few months, any structure or limitations threaten me. Like: To Diet Is To Be Enslaved. But what about balance? What happens when you want to eat cheese dip and chips ALL THE TIME. And you know that it's not good for you. For one, you bloat up like piglet. Then feel physically bad. Then have to take a post cheese dip nap. And what happens when all of your fall jeans are too snug. Uncomfortably snug. And no matter how many squats and lunges you do while in the jeans- they do not stretch. Then what? Those are expensive jeans! And I'm not buying new clothes. Then what???

And so enter the next phase of Scandalous Dieting. Formulating a diet. WTF?! I know, right? I'm thanking Elizabeth, at Jogger's Life , who wrote a post that got me thinking about some things I've had lingering around in my head. What if I feel life and have a plan? Could it work? Can I be on a "diet" (I use that word loosely) and still trust myself and love myself? Maybe.

And so I'm thinking. I'm an impulsive present sucker. WTH is that you ask? I love moments. So anything that feels right in that moment IS right and will always be right according to me in that moment. And I wonder why I struggle with compulsive eating. The ability to be fully in the moment is a beautiful part of my personality, but needs fine tuning. Thought process, for example, would be a great addition to that quality. But, wait Process annoys me. It requires slow growth and patience. I get so damn tired of waiting for patience that I could go mad. But it's a part and pace of life I'm learning to move with.

Going back to the quote above- if I'm deluded and full of doubt- nothing will be enough. But I'm no longer deluded and full of doubt (well, maybe sometimes, but that's generally related to Fox news). I've "realized." With that I feel inclined to get back on the Hot Pink Bicycle of tracking my food ever so sightly. I'll have a cute little horn called Awareness to beep at unloving thoughts and a basket called Life that stores all the right things. And hot pink streamers just...because. I know, I know, Cheese Fest 2010. But I've got a strange make up of smart ass and sentimental running through my DNA. Doesn't seem to go together, but here I am. So......

Losing 80 lbs: A Look Back

2010-08-16T11:05:00.001-04:00

I was a shy, passive, quite kid....

And unicorns also flew out of my butt with sparkle trails. Ha! I was an entertainer (shocker). As a kid I was always doing something. Coming up with businesses (nail polish painted oysters shells don't sell well), congregating the neighborhood kids for some fabulous new production involving rocks and string, stealing my parent's video camera to film hours of my own reality TV show featuring Jem and the Holograms tracked to Hangin' Tough. I cut my own hair. Often. I played charades every single friday night for my Grandmother and her friends. For those of you who know me, this makes perfect sense.

I get my creativity and humor from my Mom and Dad. I love them both. One picture I'll always remember that was framed in our house was a picture of them cross dressing for a Halloween party. Did I mention this was framed and displayed in my house growing up? My dad looked a little too comfortable in the nurse's uniform dress and lipstick.... And I swear, my Grandparents have the same cross dressing picture in their house of them. True Story.

Anyway- you can blackmail my dad here at his blog. He's got a much bigger following, with way more at risk. Have fun!

Where am I going with all this? Well, lately I've been thinking about me. Selfish, I know. Looking back through childhood pics. Where did I come from? What was I thinking at that time? What did I believe about myself? Can I trace my life now back to where it all started? Like a row of ants that press on for the promise of food. And will it lead me anywhere? Can I look back on my life with curiosity instead of judgment? Can I see the bits and pieces of foundation laying that resulted in Me. And how would that make me feel?

And you ask: What does this have to do with food and fitness Jen? You're losing us.

Won't be the first time.

But, I'll tell ya. Because our struggle with food is an outward symptom of our struggle with ourselves. Somewhere along the path of our childhood and thereafter- we stopped trusting ourselves. Because if you loved and trusted yourself, you would not be overweight or underweight. Read that last sentence again. And that applies to you successful dieters as well! I don't care if you're 115 lbs or 300lbs. (Though I don't think anyone should weight 115 lbs) In 2006 I weighed 220 lbs. I went on weight watchers and reached my goal of 140 lbs within a year. I was a Fucking Size 4!!!!! I was There. I was skinny. And you know what? The battle still raged on in my head and heart. Then it became "another 10 lbs" THEN I'll be at goal. Or another race to enter. Or a new house to buy. Or "I'll work on my marriage later." Or "It's okay that I just spent $300 at Target, when I went in for laundry detergent." You see, once I developed the discipline to control food- it transferred. Sure I was skinny, but I literally had to eat, breath, drink Weight Watcher Points. Plan my points, eat my points, stay under my points, blog about my points.

I remember my best friend calling me to see if I could come get a drink with her somewhere to talk and see each other because it had been a while. It was a Sunday night. My Flex Points where out and did not renew until Monday. And I kid you not, I reasoned with myself that if I stayed out until midnight, then it would be Monday and I could then have a drink. But then bootcamp was the next day so I just ended up telling her "No." It hurt her feelings, as she would tell me weeks later. And she was a little concerned about my obsession with points. My life was filled with points because I really believed this was the way to love and freedom. And I got a lot of attention for it! People were inspired. People were interested in me. People loved me! But, did I love me?

My religion made me feel better about myself. It made me change and mold to something that looked like I could love. Maybe. And to leave it felt like I was going to gain 80 lbs back in one night and I've be a failure. And then the guilt. Oh the guilt. It's sort of like have a tornado moving in circles all around you. And if you choose your steps carefully you can avoid it. But if you make any mistake, it sucks you in. And trying to get out is next to impossible.

And so I look back now- where I linger in the 140s (I think- I threw out my scale) and a size 6-8 instead of a 4. And I have to remind myself that the size 4 holds nothing over the freedom and joy that I've found. And even on bad days when i'm not feeling quite joyful or free- it's still better. The love I've discovered for myself feels scandalous and exhilarating. The grace I've chased for years through friendships, food, spending, distraction is all right here, wrapped up in my heart. And I can access any time I want. I have to embrace the fact that my thighs may never change. I may never see the 130's again. And I won't lie- that scares me. But it's a lot easier to breath on this side of "goal."

Mama Rocks Giveaway: Bedazzle Yo Self!

2010-08-15T20:36:00.004-04:00

So I have a very talented friend named Katherine Smith that makes jewelry. She thrives at local festivals here in Atlanta and is featured in The Beehive Coop. You can also find her Esty page here. Her stuff is unique and eclectic and elegant and fun to wear. And she's put together two pieces just for you! One set of earrings for anytime wear and a fun evening pair. So, technically that's 4 pieces. But still. And you want to know another cool thing about Katherine? She's an Operation Bootcamp instructor. So she's down with torture. Plus she's a dear friend to me and I lurv her.

So, to enter:

1) Leave a comment saying how amazing I am and how I remind you of Gwyneth Paltrow and stuff.

2) Tweet or Facebook: @Mama__Rocks Giveaway http://tinyurl.com/3x34x3d

Easy, right?

I'll leave it open for a week and randomly draw a name from the comment list on Monday August 16th. So get crackin and tell your friends!

Here's the booty:

14 K gold fill earrings for day and night.

Day: 10K of Labradorite

Night: Matte gold circles with quartz crystal

Speaking of giveaways....You know my love of mochas? Yeah that lil old thing I never talk about, but sometimes always talk about? Well Elizabeth at Jogger's Life is giving away a Starbucks gift card. Hurry- go enter so you can support your caffeine addiction! :)

More giveaways to come..... every month so come check back in!

Ginger Glazed Mahi Mahi & Simple Greens

2010-08-12T20:38:00.000-04:00

I get easily intimidated by fish. First of all they're sea creatures- or lake creatures- it doesn't matter- they can be tricky. I've had my fair share of encounters with some very WRONG fish. One time my sister and I were sea kayaking just off shore in the Atlantic. A wave came up full of fish (I insisted they were tuna) and broke on us- while fish smacked us in the faces. I got so spooked that I aborted the mission, jumped ship and swam to shore. I've seen Shark Week too much. Plus, I can be a little dramatic sometimes.

So I'm stretching myself in trying new fish recipes and getting fish on the dinner table more often than not. But the benefits outweigh the potential ick factor so I press on. And I'm glad I did because I found a fab recipe! I can pretend I came up with it, but that would be lying. (Thank you allrecipes.com) However, the Simple Greens I did wing and it came out good!

Glazed Mahi Mahi

( I have no picture- for I devoured it before I thought of it!)

I bought Trader Joe's frozen Mahi Mahi filets and thawed them

3 tablespoons honey

3 tablespoons soy sauce

3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

1 teaspoon grated fresh ginger root

1 clove garlic, crushed or to taste

2 teaspoons olive oil

4 (6 ounce) mahi mahi fillets

salt and pepper to taste

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

Directions:

In a shallow glass dish, stir together the honey, soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, ginger, garlic and olive oil. Season fish fillets with salt and pepper, and place them into the dish. If the fillets have skin on them, place them skin side down. Cover, and refrigerate for 20 minutes to marinate.

Heat vegetable oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Remove fish from the dish, and reserve marinade. Fry fish for 4 to 6 minutes on each side, turning only once, until fish flakes easily with a fork. Remove fillets to a serving platter and keep warm.

Pour reserved marinade into the skillet, and heat over medium heat until the mixture reduces to a glaze consistently. Spoon glaze over fish, and serve immediately.

Simple Greens

1 bag of Trader Joe's mixed greens (mustard, turnip, collards, spinach)

1 container of Trader Joe's stir fry veggies (or your own medley)

1.5 cups chicken broth

1 onion, diced

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tbsp olive oil

2 tbsp butter (call me Paula Dean)

2 tbsp apple cider vinegar

Salt and pepper to taste

Sauté onion, garlic and olive oil.

Maybe add a tablespoon of butter or 4. Whose counting?

Add stir fry veggies and broth.

Bring to a boil and add the rest.

Cook down for about 15 mins. Serve over brown rice or couscous. Eat with hot sauce (unless you're a Pansy, then just plain)

Pug patiently waiting for droplets from the only one who will feed her.

Church and Science

2010-08-10T12:07:00.000-04:00

The Gordons have sorta revamped our life a lot lately. Ed and I have been on our own little spiritual quest of falling back to the simple things. Looking deeper into marriage, friendships, life, finances, God, family. De-cluttering the junk drawer of a life we've had in years past. It's been quite a journey. Really scary at times, but mostly really rewarding. When you strip things down to the bare bones, you have nothing to lose. And it's quite freeing to have nothing to lose. There is no other freedom like it. It's a place where questions lead to questions and answers yield to disappointment. Does that make sense? I hadn't realized how peaceful it is to have questions unanswered than to know it all.

And so this Sunday our place of worship was The Atlanta Botanical Gardens. Really where else can you see the face of God than in nature? We're also homeschooling Fischer this year and Sunday was Science Day as well. We ran, sweat our asses off, studied bugs, tricked venus fly traps into thinking a leaf was a delicious bug, saw bull frog tadpoles sprouting legs, walked through a water fall, touched butterflies, cried when we didn't get our way, stood patiently while each and everyone of us saw the little yellow frog in the aquarium that was a big hit, drank water, studied honey bees, jumped in fountains (even though we brought no change of clothes, bathing suits or towels), climbed trees, and asked some really great questions. It was a blessed event! So much so that I actually resisted the urge to pull the iPhone out and take a picture of every single moment. Letting my soul capture it fully instead.

But I did manage to snap out of presence to get a few:

Losing My Religion

2010-08-09T15:35:00.000-04:00

It's an odd thing to not diet after 5 years of "successful" dieting. And every once in a while I have this thrill flare through me at the prospect of going on some "cleanse" or some extreme diet for a week. I remember back in February I totally did Atkins for 2 weeks. I laugh out loud at that because Atkins is so fucking ridiculous. I lost 10 lbs. But the idea of having something, anything, limitless was a relief for me. Nevermind that I was bloated up like a puffer fish and didn't poop for 3 weeks- I WAS LOSING WEIGHT!! It was fabulous.

And so lately I've been tempted to diet.

Maybe just limit portion control.

Or maybe count calories.

Or maybe eliminate carbs. Carbs are such bitches anyway, right?

Or.......maybe Im just not happy with my "natural weight." In my opinion my natural weight leaves a little to be desired in the back of my thighs. Sometimes I catch myself staring at my thighs at the dinner table- completely unaware of how ridiculous it is. Like, full on leaning over and getting a full glimpse. (I just stopped while writing to look at my thighs)

But that's how It happens, right? We hit a good stride of contentment and then out of nowhere we're Overweight, Unhappy, Unsatisfied, and Back. Back to Here. And you know where Here is. Where you're not enough. Where happiness is found only in size 29 Seven For All Mankind jeans and spanx-less fitted tops. Where tabloid shots of celebrities are the control model. With their "body after baby" bodies that run like projectors in front of images of your kids, simple sweetness, present life.

Where "me time" becomes more important than ever because you're looking for Me again. Where the hell did she just go?? Because you can't find Me in the images in your head. You're back to where you're still not enough.

I'm pretty sure I weigh the exact same as I did when I quit dieting. Which is great. But I haven't lost. And I guess you could say I'm lingering in Not Enough. Just a little bit. But trudging through and going back to Me. I guess this is how it works. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.

I went back to my very first post on this blog. And it occurred to me while reading through the chronicles of weight loss that I did have a good mindset. I remember basically behaving like I was a size 6. I lived life like I was already at goal. I *knew* I'd reach it. And it was healthy at that point in time. And somewhere I got lost. Counting points now doesn't mean the same thing as counting points then did. And hell, I'd be happy to count points again if I could get back to that place. Of hopefulness, patience, beauty, love, life. I was positive. I was content in the plan. I trusted the plan.

Do I make sense?

I'm going to the pool now with my kids and Ed. I'm putting on a bikini because it's all I own. One pieces were burned after the tummy tuck. Here's to my thighs!

*clink*

Summerizations 3: And then there was life!

2010-08-08T18:33:00.000-04:00

We've been doing a whole lot of living this summer. I've been saying Yes a lot more than No lately. To my kids, to my self, to life.

Here are some snippets.

My firstborn freaking me the hell out with my Dad's snake.

It gives me the heebie jeebies just typing it.

Waking up to Shepherd crawling in my bed.

Millie received her first black eye as a result of a chair hitting her straight on her nose. But, you see, the game she was playing before the chair fell over was SO MUCH FUN!

My kids at my aunt's house watching a VHS of Jungle Book. Who has a VCR anymore?

Aunt Christie.

Sharing icecream with my husband after 2 glasses of wine and a really great conversation.

(He was peeing when I took this shot)

Breakfast out:

Guitar playing and sword fighting

Drinking my margarita straight out of the pitcher...

While my son watches, no less.

It was a prop people, relax.

Playing rock band with my brother.

Over enthusiasm is a trait I stand alone in in our family.

Taking shots with my Dad and sister. What they didn't know was that I only took one. Filled the rest up with water. I'm smart like that. They're not. But I love them.

Summerizations 2: Mountains

2010-08-06T18:07:00.000-04:00

Second phase of summer involved Boone, NC. I cannot tell you how beautiful it is up there. The air is crisp and clear and your mind is like a dry erase board wiped clean. My mom and stepdad own a home there and above their house is a piece of land that's like a plateau- clear meadow (HELLO Twilight fans) that they said reminded them of sacrificial grounds. So they built a fire pit, a miniature cabin and named it Pagan Hill. (My parents like to take jokes to the billionth degree) Pagan Hill is one of my favorite places on earth. We cooked hot dogs on the fire, drank wine and made s'mores.

We thought about camping on Pagan hill. Thought. Didn't really pan out. But we got so far as to set up the tents. That counts. Right?

Then we went to Grandfather Mountain.

We got a bug in us to start jumping off rocks. My mom was a nervous wreck. We had fun.

Then I got my mom to jump with us. I'm a little too enthusiastic.

I'm not quite as graceful when my converse slips on the rock.

Shepherd riding on my sister, Lindsay's, shoulders. They're good friends.

Plus he braids well.

The day caught up with him. Naps in the car are a regular occurrence when you're too busy living life to stop for the "schedule." Notice the pacifier has dropped out of his mouth.

Summerizations 1: Beach

2010-08-05T13:56:00.001-04:00

Do you ever have seasons of your life where you're just buzzing with inspiration and change and you just can't quite verbalize it? I feel I've been in that time warp lately. And all I think about is getting it all down on my blog so I don't forget. Like, better take a picture of this majestic mountain view so that we remember how" in the moment" we were and how beautiful it all is. Which is counterproductive. And so I went with it and have just been in the moment and let it all the pieces of presence get lost in the corners of my brain, where the risk of it staying there is way too high.

St. Augustine. Good Beach. And even better? Good friends that live there.

We made sandcastles...

I love this picture...

We visited Castillo De San Marcos and imagined what life was like in the 1600's. Plus, there were cannons. Score.

What I look like on any given day when there is threat of Shepherd bolting into danger. In this case: off a fort and into the ocean.

And segway tours...

I'll never ride on a segway.

And if you do- I will absolutely point and laugh.

Imperfect Birds-Tweet Tweet

2010-07-11T21:42:00.001-04:00

I just finished Anne Lamott's new book Imperfect Birds. And, like I do with most books, I race race race race to get to the Thing that happens. Right? Cause all books have a thing. And so half way through I realized the Thing was happening. I just had to slow down and soak it in. And when I did I realized how much I love this book. Because it's the truth. As much as the truth can hurt you and leave you breathless all at the same time.

But it all reminds me of my need for speed. Not the drug, but the pace. And not my running pace (because we all know I'm slow as hell), but my life pace. I'm like a kid at the pool that keeps running every time I get up and the lifeguard has to keep blowing his whistle at me to slow down. And every time I still hit the ground running.

Slow down.

Slow.

Down.

I finished Women Food and God too. Unbelievable. I want to read it again already. I got home from the beach and immediately looked up info for her retreats (naturally). But alas, they are full. Well, and $1700 a pop. There's that small detail. I'll have to settle for some re reading and mediation on my own.

And speaking of meditation- in her chapter Married to Amazement, Geneen talked about meditation and an exercise she teaches at her retreats.

"I teach a simple mediation that uses the breath as an anchor- which makes anyone who lives aboveground eligible. We use the concentration to help you become aware of the place between the top of your pubic bone and the bottom on the sternum: your belly...... Eastern mystics believe the belly is the center of our spirit and that our souls reside there."

Hold up. Belly? Ick. Oh wait- good thing I had a tummy tuck and my muscles have been sutured from sternum to pubic bone. So my anchor is strong, right? I'm set. No jiggle happening there. (My ass is another story) Roth goes onto point out that this exercise is especially painful for those of us who struggle with compulsive eating because of exactly what I've just pointed out. We have bellies. That is- if we haven't cut them off and sucked them out. And they represent everything bad we believe about ourselves. Our bellies and the food we put in them are the outward expression of our very core beliefs. And so now they are supposed to be our anchor? Fuck.

"When you ignore your belly, you become homeless. You spend your life trying to erase your own existence. Apologize for yourself. Feeling like a ghost. Eating to take up space, eating to give yourself the feeling that you have weight here, you belong here, you are allowed to be yourself- but never quite believing it because you don't sense yourself directly."

Whoa. Wow. Uh. Yeah.

For years my mind has tried to figure out my weight. Over and over. To the point of insanity. But wait- isn't the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over, while expecting a different result? Yeah.

"Minds are useful when we need to conceptualize, plan, theorize. But when we depend on them to guide our inner lives, we're lost......Our minds are masters at blame, but our bodies....our bodies don't lie. Which is, of course, why so many of us learned to zip out of them at the first sign of trouble."

I've spent a good part of my ......forever? trying to escape my present. Present body. Present mood. Present mind. Present everything. "I'll deal with that tomorrow. Today I have to do x, y, z." Fast forward 15 years. I've become a pro at not dealing.

"If you don't allow a feeling to begin, you also don't let it end."

Okay- the one liners in this book are great. I could just chew them up piece by piece. They are so filling. Like a Krispy Kreme. And a mocha. With whipped cream.

Anyway- just sharing some thoughts on all this stuff. It's all so overwhelming. But mostly I feel freed. It's an odd thing for me not to think about what I'm going to eat in a calculating way. It's odd to choose something that I prefer and let it be that. It's odd to trust myself. It's odd that I'm trustworthy. But sometimes the truth is odd, you know?

I'll post some beach pics tomorrow! For now I'm headed to bed since bootcamp is calling my name at 5:45am. God help me.

At the beach...

2010-07-09T09:15:00.000-04:00

I'm finishing up a great week at the beach with the family. Devoured Women Food and God! Finished it and can't wait to share some things roaming around in my head about it. Oh revelations...

Unfortunately I can't blog easily with my iPhone. This little post alone took me 20 mins. Plus I have some fun pics to share!!

Camping in the City

2010-06-22T13:26:00.001-04:00

We Gordon's are not known for our communion with nature. Well, of all Gordons I think Millie and I are the most "okay" with being outdoors. So long as I don't have to wear makeup. There's nothing worse that being outdoors in the heat and humidity while your concealer is dripping down your face. But if given to our lazy tendencies- we basically like AC and bugless TV watching. But we realize that's not very good for the human spirit in high doses. And so we try...

And by "trying" I mean I built a fire the other night. In, like, 80 degree weather that feels like 90. But the kids and I were all into it, so I thought I could score some Nature Points.

Millie made a dumb bell out of a wood kabab thingy and marshmellows. Fischer and his bff Finn helped me build the tee pee fire. Shepherd was asleep cause that's what he does best after 7pm.

God it was hot...

Then Amelia (in bikini just because) went into her fire trance. Seriously, the girl loves staring at fires.

And so here's what I'm learning: Kids like it when you go "off schedule" sometimes. Kids need you to have fun sometimes. Bed times can be pushed back sometimes. Because life is what you make it. What you do day in day out is what you're doing with your life. And that can be very eye opening. At least for me. If what I want to do with my life involves having a clean house- then I can spend my days cleaning. If what I want to do with my life involves making memories with my family. Then something else has got to give. I can't have it all. But, really, do I want it all? No. I'll take Ed and the kids over mopped floors.

I lay awake at night sometimes and feel overwhelmed with it all. The good and the bad. I worry so much about what could happen. And then I forget all I've not let happen in the name of routine and habit and laziness. This summer we will build fires in 90 degree weather. We will build forts- even though it will make my sheets dirty. We will stay up past our bedtime so we can eat popcorn or go swimming. We will have icecream for dinner. We will let the crumbs be on the floor and not give a damn. We will go to bed with dishes in the sink. We will be alive. Cause you know the saying about how tomorrow is never promised. Well, it's true. Live in the moment today. God it feels good. I don't have to fit into a box and neither does my family. What a fucking relief.

So if you come over to my house one day and they're crushed cheerios on my floor, dishes in my sink, toys strewn all over the house and even a baby crying at my feet- don't pity me. It's all good. It's life. Things have a way of being taken care of if you're patient enough to wait.

On the "I'm not dieting" front? I'm doing well! Food is less and less on my mind. I'm still learning my "full signal." My body is full, but my tongue wants more. But it's a practice. And with any sort of practice- you have to work at it to perfect it. The cool thing is that I purged all my diet cookbooks. And I've been having fun cooking. :)

Parting with the Scale

2010-06-18T12:08:00.004-04:00

Here she is. She calculated 80 lbs of weight loss in 2006. And again in 2009. She loves documenting. But I'm done documenting and living life according to the pounds I weigh.

This morning she was in my bathroom just staring at me all like:

"Come on! You know you want to. Just hop on. It could be good- you could be down! Wouldn't that make you happy?"

And I'm like: "Yeah, but what if I'm not. Then I'll be depressed all day."

And Scales like: "Nah, you'll be fine. If you're down then you'll just move on and do better."

And I'm like: "You always say that but I'm never fine. I get upset. It wrecks my day. It's not worth it."

Scales all "Whatever, it's just a number."

And I say: "Exactly."

And so I had a moment where I was done. I decided I would throw her out my bathroom window. Right here, right now. Yeah. After all- it feels better tossing something out the window than carefully placing it in the trash, right? I mean, the drama of it all makes you feel all empowered inside, no? I am woman, here me roar!

Said window (Note roof):

Well wait. Hold on. I have to remove the screen.

And, oh, wait I need both hands so I can't take a pic.

Who cares!

And I tossed!

Aaaaaand..... it landed on the roof.

And to make matters worse- my neighbor pulls out of his driveway and looks up RIGHT as it lands on the roof. "Yes, yes. I'm having an Oprah moment. Move on."

I lean out and grab the scale. I almost tossed it again but then thought I'd end up killing my outdoor cat in my Empowered Moment.

So I settled for Goodwill pile at the top of the stairs....

So my roar was more like a meow. But it still counts, right?

It was surprisingly hard. I do really well with impulse decisions. But impulsively "tossing" her was harder than I thought. Kinda like putting wax on your lip and getting ready to rip the hair out. There's that moment of hesitation where you can't do it. But then you do. And you get those little boogers and you pretend you're a hairless wonder for 1.5 weeks. And so I tossed her.

Summer Love

2010-06-18T11:37:00.001-04:00

Living in Atlanta during the summer is rough stuff. It's hot. It's humid. It evokes turrets from anyone. Including Mormons. I'm not Mormon, but I figure it has to make them curse.

And so we spend our mornings with cartoons. This lasts from 7am to 8am.

Then I shove them outdoors before it gets too hot.

Small Fry likes to buff down and plant himself in the pool. Then go up and down, up and down, up and down the stairs. Nekkid. And Ed likes to make unflattering faces at him. But seriously, how can you not love the rolly pollies and a bare butt? Shepherd's is cute too.

The big kids like to risk their lives running and jumping into the pool at high speeds. Collision happens sometimes. And for those moments I bring out the Snow Cone machine with high frutose corn syrup. High frutose corn syrup makes kid's pain receptors diminish.

OH and the play set! THE playset. The very playset I ordered weeks ago for the kids that they've been asking for every single minute since. It was delivered. And they are in love. That bitch was expensive, but worth every single penny!

And my kids do nothing without water. So Millie grabbed the watering can and poured it over Fischer while he swung.

And then straight up dropped it on his head for fun.

Then that sparked an ideas and they tilted the can onto the slide and slid down with it all wet. They didn't account for the speed and are literally flung off the slide at the bottom. Millie knocked the breath out of her and looked like she was heaving crying. Nope- heaving laughter. They love danger.

Shepherd has it backwards. Wants to go up the slide and down the stairs.

And in unrelated news: I got a pedicure!

Now go outside and find some summer love!

Toasty Mochas

2010-06-16T12:55:00.000-04:00

My mom bought me this espresso maker when she came in town this weekend. I had mixed feelings. I love the idea of making my own mochas for shear, practical reasons like saving money and not going somewhere to get it. But I also like the ritual of going somewhere. And I like the taste of mochas that other people make. You know how cooking yourself something never tastes as good as someone else cooking for you? And getting a mocha breaks up my morning. And if you're a mom of three small kids- you get that.

Anyway- here she is:

The coffee cozy is made by my friend Booke at SoSheSews.esty.com. She makes the coolest stuff from recycled materials. She didn't ask me to plug her- but her stuff seriously rocks. So there.

And so all was good. I was enjoying my new found barista abilities until the little bitch ~~toasted to a crisp~~ burned the living hell out of my wrist. How was I supposed to know you had to "release the pressure before removing lid?" Oh yeah, cause it's written ON the lid. I think I was dropped as a baby.

I burned my wrist and the top of my left hand. Hurt like a bitch! I had to keep ice on it all day long to avoid the stinging. I concocted an Ice Pack Stayer Onner with ice packs you put in kids lunches and medical tape. I looked like a retarded Rower Ranger. Thankfully my friend hooked me up with some pain killers. She gave me two and I had hoped to only need one and save the other one for a "rainy day" as my mother would say. No such luck. Needed both.

Here it is today. Much better!

And even with my injuries, I've made a couple mochas since with success. And I'm happy to say they are good and worthy of my love. Sorry Starbucks- I can no longer pay your utility bills every month.

I'm going to get all Oprah on your ass...

2010-06-15T20:20:00.001-04:00

So I went and read me a book called Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth. It "read my mail." Totally. It has completely changed the way I see myself and food. I really can't remember when I clung to food. It seems like forever. I know it's always been an escape, a numbing drug, a way to feed myself love. It's like a my "my own personal brand of heroin" as Edward would say to Bella. I am Edward. Bella is food. Where in the hell am I going with this?

The first time I felt in control of my heroin was after I had Amelia. When I was perfect to a T with diet and lost 80 lbs. But I remember going past my Flex points one day after 7 months of complete perfection. I was really upset. Oddly upset. Crying. I called a friend and "confessed" it. I wanted her to tell me I was still okay. That I wouldn't get fat again. And that moment was the beginning of my obsession with "losing weight." If I stayed on plan- it was a good day. If I went over my points- it was a bad day. It was my religion. I had no real sense of contentment or "goodness" unless I was in control of my eating. I was not enough until I reached "goal." I was not enough.

And so I read this...

"Can you remember a time, perhaps when you were very young, when life as it was- just the fact that it was early morning or any old day in summer- was enough? When you were enough- not because of what you looked like or what you did, but just because every thing was the way it was. Nothing was wrong. When you were sad, you cried and then it was over. You were back to a fundamental feeling of positivity, of goodness just because you were alive. What if you could live that way now? And what if your relationship to food was the doorway?"

What? No, but see I'm fine. I just have to lose 10 lbs. It's not a big deal.

"No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul."

Oh shit. Now I gotta be all crazy-inner-healing-praying-girl. I mean, I pray. But I don't "deal." Dealing with pain, emotional pain, makes me want to bolt. I'd rather eat grass. Do 100 jump squats. Hold a plank for 20 mins. Diet.

"Dieting was like praying. It's a plaintive cry to whoever was listening: I know I am fat. I know I am ugly. I know I am undisciplined, but see how hard I try. See how violently I restrict myself, deprive myself, punish myself. Surely there must be a reward for those who know how horrible they are.....Making the decision to stop dieting was like committing heresy, like breaking a vow that was never supposed to be broken. It was like saying, 'You were wrong, God. You were wrong, Mom. I am worth something.'"

And so the realization hits me hard: I fill my life with goals to distract myself from being present. Because if I'm working toward a "goal," I can be swept up in that task. And not deal.

Geneen Roth tells the women at her retreats:

"I tell them that ending the obsession with food is all about the capacity to stay in the present moment. To not leave themselves. I tell them that they don't have to make a choice between losing weight and doing this."

Ding! Ding! Ding! My first thoughts on reading this book was that this lady was going to tell me to embrace my thighs, stop caring about weight loss and like me. And that kind of thinking makes me feel like I can't breathe. My obsession with weight loss (whether its fruitful or not) fills me. It gives me meaning. I know. Sounds ridiculous. But hey- I was successful! I did it 4 years ago! And hell, I'm only 7 lbs from where I was 4 years ago. But I just..can't...get...there. It's like it's just sitting out of reach and I can't do it. And so what do I do? Well, another project of course. Yeah. If I get all hard core and shoot to be a figure competitor then I'll have to lose the weight. I'll have no choice. And so I get obsessed with figure competing.

"Obsession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart-shattering events.... It creates a parallel world, a hologram of emotions, passions, breathtaking reversals. It gives you the illusion of feeling everything without having to be vulnerable to anything. In the drama of obsession, you are the star, the costar, the director, the producer....Obsession is a way of organizing our lives so that we never have to deal with the hard part-the part that happens between two years old and dying. We compulsive eaters wouldn't have an obsession with food if we believed that life was tolerable without it."

You know where this is going. But I cannot have a realization like this and still be consumed with my "project." And so I'm doing it. I'm quitting. Fuck figure competitors! Nah, just kidding. Fuck projects. Fuck anorexia of the soul. Life is too short. In some ways I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. In other ways I feel terrified of not losing those last pounds. Losing ground. Being a quitter. A flake. And I fear that some of you are thinking that I'm just being lazy and using this book to give me a ticket out of this figure thing. I fear a lot. I can be a very paranoid girl.

So what's my theme? My goal? What am I doing? You know, bloggers have to have goals. You have to be onto something. Doing something. And then post pics of it.

I am doing nothing.

Absolutely nothing. I mean, I'm going to be here. I'm going to ramble. I still love fitness. I still love mochas. But I can't, with any presence of mind, be a figure competitor right now. The perfection of diet and hard workouts are counterproductive to being "enough," because you're only striving towards changing yourself.

I want to deal with my need for distraction. Hell, I have no idea what "dealing" looks like. I've been through years of therapy that never touched this food stuff. But I feel strongly in my gut that I read this book at the time I needed to. And I want to be present. For myself. My husband. My kids. I just want to enjoy life because I can and I deserve to. I want to be enough.

Hollaback Garden

2010-06-10T18:43:00.001-04:00

I get giddy thinking about my garden. GIDDY. I love it. I obsess over it. Every morning I peek out the window hoping to see a flash of any red which would tell me a tomato is ripe and ready. My tomato plants are so tall and big and huge that I have to tie it up to itself and the tomato cage just to keep it contained. I pick every dead leaf off. I get oddly angry when I see a bug on a leaf trying to get all up in my garden shit. I'm like "No you di-ent" And it's like "Oh yes I did!" And then Gwen Stefani's Halloback Girl starts playing out of nowhere.

Here's my broccoli and cucumber. If I can keep Ameila from eating every single cucumber off the vine this year, I'll be happy. She loves "pickles."

Red bell pepper. Obviously not ready yet, but can't wait!

And I got all domestic and stuff this week and decided to branch out from my standard italian chicken/sweet potato/green veggie staple meal. I have a major crush on my crock pot. It just makes my chicken tender. I was going to say "That's what she said," but it didn't make sense. Anyway, I made some coconut curry chicken. And it actually worked! I suck at chicken. The only way it ever turns out tender and juicy for me is with the crockpot. So I had the the ingredients and threw it in for about 3.5 hrs on high. Despite looking like a sludgy, white mess at first, it came out great!

Coconut Curry Chicken

6 chicken breasts

2 -6z cans coconut milk

2 tbsp of red curry past

A lil tumeric

A lil garam masala

A lil cumin

It came out so great that I forgot to take a picture of it. Oops! I served it with brown rice and cilantro and lemon. Y to the UM.

And then there's this:

Senora Sparkly Unicorn Princess and Fatty McButter Pants

Hey, I'm here

2010-06-08T21:02:00.000-04:00

I've been one crazy-busy-mommy-wife-doula lately. Births and babies, babies and births. Different kinds of births and babies of all ages. But one thing is for sure- with summer I'm outdoors all the time. It just makes me feel good. Whether the kids and I are playing, I'm at bootcamp, weeding a garden, at the YMCA pool, I'm in the sun. It just feeds me to be outdoors.

Notice how I plant my mocha in the nature shot? My basil are getting ginormous. And my hydrangeas are so big this year. We picked a few to give to Millie's teacher on the last day of school.

Here's my girl. Never stays gone from me too long. We live on the deck in the mornings.

I planted some cherry tomatoes in this old barrel and by God is growing!

I can haz a mocha...

And a really bad shot of me in my bathroom. My legs are coming along. I can tell the shape is changing. I'm proud of my body!

But.....

I've totally fallen of the food wagon. Not horribly, but just sort of farting around with my diet. I hate that expression, but it fits. Especially if I eat beans.

Bad joke.

My husband knows me well. He's challenged me to lose 7-10 lbs before our beach trip in July. He knows I'm competitive. So he's doing it with me. He's counting his calories with an app an everything. He's already lost 40 lbs this past year. From, you know, giving up beer and stuff. I hate men. But I love him. And it all boils down to the bikini. I bought a nice one. Here it is. This is my way of sneaking in a progress pic in a bikini.

I feel pretty darn good in it!

Okay, I'm tired. It's totally, like, 9pm and I'm barely holding my eyes open an making bad jokes. I'm off the hook. Crazy. I'll see you floggers later. Peace.

Hitting Walls and Moving Forward

2010-05-28T10:04:00.005-04:00

Yesterday at 2:30 I hit a wall. You know that wall where you know you can't take a nap because your kids need a suitable parental figure to keep them from killing themselves (and believe me, they will) but you're so tired you hit a wall and want to curl up in a fetal position and enter a drug induced coma? Maybe it's just me. Anyway, in an effort to avoid the library again:

(Yes, I go to the library and hook them up to virtual books and book reading. You know, cause apparently it's not good enough when Mommy just reads it to us. They like it. I get a mocha on the way. Win/win.)

Anyway, I was still recovering from total lack of sleep and my husband swooped in to the rescue. He suggested we go to the Aquarium. We live walking distance from the Aquarium and never go. At first I looked at Ed and though: "Can you take all three and I'll stay here and watch a Lifetime movie?" But then I reluctantly got on board and we headed out. I'm glad I did. It gave me an energy boost and the kids had a fun time.

I love this picture...

Picture with "Shark Man."

Then we decided after seeing all the magical, wonderful sea creatures....

that we'd like to go eat some...

Shepherd is not a fan of Crawfish..

Side note for Lost fans....Our waiter at the restaurant was named Jacob and I've been in Lost marathons lately trying to catch up to finale and mentioned to him that..."I've been watching Lost and it's all about this Jacob and so it's, like, funny that your name is Jacob because all I keep hearing about is Jacob and...oh yeah...er..so can I have a glass of wine?"

He's never seen Lost. I appear stupid. Ed is, as usual, embarrassed by me.

On the exercise front...I made it to bootcamp this morning without anyone having a baby to distract me! We burned 500+ calories easily. And by easily- I mean we didn't even complete the workout I had planned before time was up and we reached our calories goal. But it was hard. Sprints, suicides, pyramid sets, planks, push ups. Phew! The group is growing with the summer crowd and we're cranking it up a notch. If you live in Atlanta and want a good workout for free- come join us!

On the eating front... I got to Trader Joe's yesterday and have stocked up the frig. I cooked a batch of chicken breasts in the crockpot for lunches this week and made some sweet potatoes and brown rice to pull out as needed. No excuse to eat shizzznit. I'm back on track and just doing what I know to do- feed my body well and don't look back. I've made a deal with myself that I won't get on the scale until Memorial Day (Monday). I want to give body time to regulate with good nutrition and exercise before I see the numbers. Plus, I'm finishing up my lady business. I don't get near the scale on my period. Duh.

Other notable things...

Apparently Shepherd knows exactly how to use a tampon. He found a package in my bathroom cabinet, got one out and proceeding to squat down and put it near his rear end. Ed is mortified.

When we asked Fischer what "bad" words he knows in an effort to discuss stuff like this openly, he immediately said "Fuck." Fuck.

Amelia informed me that Chloe (the cat at her Montissori School) killed a chip monk. "So then Ms. Heather just put it in the woods so it can decompose and come back to life as soil." That'll work for now.

"Mikey" from the Goonies is the voice of Oso on Special Agent Oso. Just sayin.

Turned my dining room into a playroom. I can't believe I haven't done this sooner. Yes, baby is climbing up tall toy bin holder in picture. It's cool though, he moved on to the electrical outlets thereafter and didn't fall.

FALSE LABOR 2010!!

2010-05-27T09:58:00.003-04:00

Wow. So after my CRAB RAGOON MANIA 2010 weekend, I had FALSE LABOR MANIA 2010 this week!!! Off the hook ya'll.

Sunday....
7am- Client calls. Contracting. We talk on and off and she goes to hospital to get checked. Nothing really happening. She goes home.

4pm- Shepherd gets a high fever. Lethargic, whimpering, so, so pitiful. Lays on my chest for 3 straight hours. I put him to bed.

10 pm- Shepherd up again. Meds barely warding off the fever. Poor guy. I rock him for an hour. Falls asleep.

12am-My head hits the pillow. *RING* Client headed to the hospital again in "early labor." I meet her at hospital. After it was established client was having extreme prodromal labor (could have told her that, but that's a whole other story)- we all left at 3am.

Monday...
6am- Bootcamp. Yeah right. I missed it.

Made it through the day with no sleep and sick kids. Poor buddies.

5:30pm- Went to bed at 5:30pm. Yes, 5:30pm. Slept until 6:30am! Boooyah!

Tuesday....

Get my special monthly friend....

Kids are feeling better though!

12 pm. My OTHER JUNE client calls. Contracting. WHa??! "You're only 37 weeks!" Around 4pm contractions were 4 minutes apart and strong. I meet her at hospital. I could tell by the look on her face when I saw her that she was not in labor. Either I'm a bad doula or these ladies were really convincing on the phone. Oh Lordy. We get checked- 2cm. We choose to go have dinner and walk around a bit to see if anything happens. Nothing happens. Discharged. I got to bed at 1am. Missing bootcamp again.

Wednesday....

6am-My OTHER client from the OTHER false labor calls. At hospital. 5cm. Having a baby. Phew. Okay- headed to the hospital. She has a beautiful VBA2C! Yah mom!

1pm- I head home. You know I'm tired and cranky when I pull into a sub place. I downed a bag of jalepeno cheddar chips all wide-eyed-crazy-like while waiting for my sub. Eat Inhale sub.

Get through day with kids (they were so good for mommy!).

Get mocha, naturally.

6pm- Order chinese food, cause holy-shit-I'm-tired-and hungry-and-I-don't-give-a-damn. Eat my weight in Sweet and Sour Shrimp. (No crab ragoons though!)

9pm- Asleep

There ya go! No exercise. No good food really. And I feel like I've gained 5 lbs but scared to get on scale. I know I just need a good week of sleep and exercise to feel better. But right now I'm feeling like a bloated, sugar laden, sweet n sour chicken eatin', fattened calf.

Monday Mantras...

2010-05-24T11:54:00.000-04:00

Note to self.....

Just because Ed suggests we eat out one night doesn't mean you have to eat cheese dip by the ladle full.

Just because there is a baby shower does not mean you have to have the most ginormous piece of cake. After a full, healthy lunch. There was a veggie tray you know. Totally untouched. You would have had free reign of it. Hell, you could have loaded it up with ranch dressing and come out better.

Just because you're friend comes in town to do your hair (cause she's a super, fantab sylist) and then her husband brings back La Fonda late at night doesn't mean you have to eat the chips they're offering. And the guacamole. AFTER you already had a complete dinner and were already feeling stuffed and bloated.

Just because you get called out to a birth on no sleep doesn't mean the ONLY breakfast option is a sugary sweet blueberry muffin. There were hardboiled eggs right there in the frig.

Just because you're PMSing doesn't give you permission to eat like a crazy woman. Even though you're, well, crazy.

Friday can be summed up in two words: Crab Ragoons.

You've fed Mocha Dragon a little too much and she's about to lay one big Cadberry Egg. Reign in it a little.

You pretty much stopped tracking your food on Wednesday and let the rest of the week/weekend go to shit.

Yeah, this will probably result in a weight gain. And you will lose some ground.

Good news is that you also made smart choices this week too. You resisted eating out on a very stressful solo parent day and instead cooked a healthy meal for you and your kids.

Opting for grilled chicken salad has become easier than before.

Egg whites are growing on you.

Planning ahead is becoming a habit for you and it makes things so much easier on you.

You have made big changes.

You're doing really really well. Keep going. And smile while you're at it.

Is weight loss in your head?

2010-05-21T10:41:00.001-04:00

Being a doula teaches me so much about fitness and healthy living. I say to my clients all the time: "your body will follow your mind, be careful what you're telling yourself." This is so true for women, in general. But what's interesting is that it really impacts the image we project of ourself in our minds. Ever have days where you feel really good? You've been nurturing your body with good food and good exercise and then you step on the scale and it's not giving you the numbers you want and suddenly in a matter of minutes you feel fat and ugly? And then that projected idea of yourself some how erases any good things you've done for yourself and you follow your mind. You follow your mind down that path where small choices don't seem to matter, where you'll never succeed, where you feel like you're buried under it all and it feels like the weight of the world? And so then how can you pick yourself up and start back?

God can I relate to this.

And I think this happens to every well intentioned, well disciplined healthy liver. And I think the reason it devastates us so much is because we sort of live our lives with our flags at half mass. Because our life can't really begin until we're thin and fit, right? And so we sort of view everything threw our mind fog. No clothes really look cute because we're still at X weight. We don't take pictures with our kids because we're fat. We miss out on life because we don't accept ourself as we are. Because we think too much about the goal and what the "other side" will be like. The other side is, after all, greener- right? Right?

It's not. Sure, one demon might be slain, but 7 more will pop up in it's place. It's like they're having a big fucking party in our head- waiting to rearrange and set up camp in a new area. And destroying things left and right. So, what if we lived like we were skinny? What if we took pictures and bought clothes and felt beautiful, even though (gasp) we aren't "skinny?" What if we faked it till we maked it? I know that sounds all wrong- but it's my only real grammatical option to make my point okay? What if we just chose to raise our flags high (I know- cheese ball, but stick with me)? Because the thing is- either you can choose to be happy now WHILE losing weight (if that's your goal). Or you can be miserable and feel like you've been on a diet for 10 years with no progress. Because the attitude behind it really is the determining factor in whether you'll reach your goal. And please make it a realistic goal- no sense in beating yourself up over unrealistic expectations.

If you can relate to this at all- please go get "Women, Food, and God" by Geneen Roth. So, so insightful. I'm reading it now and she's totally rocking my world. For those of us that have so much baggage tied up in food and weight- it's like our Elizabeth Gilbert. Except cooler. And she won't braid our hair. I don't really know what that means, but it made me giggle.

Okay- that's your Friday Fraggles. I pulled that out of my ass. What if every Friday I posted something under Friday Fraggles? Did you guys watch Fraggle Rock? I miss that show...

Okay- SMOOCHES! Please love yourself. You will make it.

Jazz Hands,

Jen

Backyard Bootcamp

2010-05-20T21:17:00.000-04:00

Sometimes us mamas cannot access a solid block of time to workout. Sometimes we use that as an excuse to not workout. Sometimes I like to pretend Edward Cullen is spotting me on chest presses. But that's not really on topic. Where was I? Sometimes you have to carve out time with the kids and get your workout in. Now, it may not be solid sets/reps like you type -A-ers might like- but it'll get the job done. The other morning Fischer (my favorite- as I tell all of them) came on the back porch with me to do some strength.

First we started with a protein shake:

Then I had him do some tricep dips. He did, like, two and then thought it was over.

Bwaaaahaahahahaha!

Next the plank:

Wall Sit:

Asked to catch his breathe:

Other ideas?

Play airplane
Race up the stairs
Ride your bikes
Jump on the trampoline (with Depends)

And then for more protein shake:

Pic of my bootcampers!

2010-05-19T09:10:00.001-04:00

I love these girls. They're all so funny and work really hard. Two of my favorite qualities in people! I wouldn't want to get up at 5:40am every morning if it weren't for them. They're cool.

Here we are warming up with a run:

Tricep Dips:

(Or Turrets Dips as I like to call them)

Mmmmmm Up/Down Planks:

Meghan in the green is totally cheating in this pic. Her ass should be DOWN!

Tara is not cool with me taking her pic:

Wall Sits:

Ashely is growling at me:

Stop and smell the roses, would ya?

2010-05-18T11:49:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday we had a fun day with the family. We went to Fischer's last baseball game and trophy awards. I brought cupcakes for the team that ended up being cup-slushies since it was humid and hot outside. But they didn't care. So I didn't either. Then we headed home to grill out with Noni and Pop! We let the kids stay up late and run around barefoot (and pantless in Shepherd's case). Here's some pics because there should be pics of days like these.

Love my roses. I plant a rose bush each year for Mother's Day.

Amelia. The most wiling subject to my photographs.

My oldest an his first baseball trophy!

I love these thighs. Seriously. I want to throw them in a crockpot with salt and pepper.

Nom nom nom nom

That's my girl..

There's Special Ed. He doesn't like getting his pic taken.

Don't beat yourself up-just do the small things

2010-05-17T11:13:00.001-04:00

I read a quote this weekend on Roni's blog that I love:

“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.”

This is good for me because lately I've been so focused on results. And there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that, but it can be counterproductive sometimes. I remember back in 2006 I used to buy a pair of jeans every now and then that were too small and hang them up and focus on getting into them and it worked. I buckled down and that motivated me big time. But just because it worked in 2006 doesn't mean it has to work now. After all- I'm 4 years older, in my thirties (hello metabolism???) and have grey hairs in the pattern of a dalmation on my head. And right now I'm really needing to focus on the small, itty bitty changes that pay off big time. And when I do- I usually see results pretty quickly. For example, I've been doing no sugar. Mainly to curb my cravings for sugar. And sure, maybe one day my calories are below what they normally are and I may have the "room" to eat something sugary. But I don't. Because I know that for me, eating sugar results in craving sugar. It's like a detox. When I'm clean, I don't desire it as much. So by taking that small step- I actually avoid a massive, catastrophic sugar epidemic. And that's just special.

So is this:

I know so many women (don't we all?) that try dieting and fail. Over and over and over again. And it kills us! The guilt, the discouragement, the sense of failure. Hell, if you go into a bookstore- it's sort of embarrassing how many dieting/health books there are on those shelves. The section just gets bigger and bigger. And yet we're the largest people on earth (Americans). I think it's because we're being sold magic pills and before/after shots. We look for them and seek them out. "Lose 14 lbs in 7 days!" "Eat what you want and get high school skinny!" "Easiest diet you'll every be on!" I think they just set us up for failure. Because we're not really dealing with the moment in time that count: when you're changing your habits. It takes 21 days for something to become a habit. No seriously. There's like evidence and stuff. So 3 weeks. (Aren't I smart??) Think back to diets you've been on. 3 weeks is usually what I call the "honeymoon" phase of diets. Where its easy simply because it's new and fun and different. But what happens when it gets old and monotonous and Thanksgiving is around the corner? Well, you slowly slip off. And it's at that moment where you make a choice. And THAT choice is what will set you apart. Now- I believe in sustainability. I do not believe in making your diet your religion and getting all Purist on people. Just have a plan and stick to it. It might be that you will stay on plan to a T until Thanksgiving dinner- where you'll let yourself have 1 full (read: loaded and piled high) plate and, hey, maybe TWO slices of pie. And that's your plan. And maybe that's excessive- but it's your plan and you're sticking to it. And then guess what? You won't do the guilt thing where you say "Fuck. I just screwed this up. Oh well- guess I'll start my diet on New Years Day." No, you'll feel good about yourself because you stuck to a plan and you're right back at it the next meal. Now isn't that nice?? Sure, you may not lose that week- but you probably won't gain and you've probably done some considerable damage control.

Wow. I should really take my own advice sometimes...

Anyway- I'm excited for this year. I'm excited about all the new things I'm learning about the human body and human mind. I'm excited to reach some goals and excited that I'm doing it in a healthy, sustainable way.

BTW- I thought for half a second about registering for a Figure Competition on Aug 21st. But I don't know that I can get to where I need to be in time. So it might be in the fall or possible beginning of 2011. But I will have a date soon! It's a large, fascinating world in the meat head arena- navigating is proving to be tricky. My new goal for the next few months is to make some friends on the inside. Gather all the tanned, blonde, ripped ladies around me so that we can braid each other's hair and they can rub off some of their mojo on me (or oil at the least).

Message boards: here I come...

Ch-Ch-Changes (and chocolate dragons)

2010-05-15T10:11:00.000-04:00

And I only had a guy come over once to correct my use of the pull up machine! But the place was dead. Which is ideal for me. I completed my full body set and finished up with 20 mins on the elliptical for a little cardio. About 1.5 hours and 430 calories. The gym 1.2 miles from my house. It's across the street from my coffee shop. So if I calculate that correctly- I'm probably 30 feet from a mocha at any given rep.

The set was hard, but good. I really like being in front of the mirror and seeing my muscles works. Did I just type that? I dunno, there's something cool about seeing your body change and get stronger before your eyes. I'm noticing big changes in my arms. I think that's because they carry the least body fat. I would like to have some pretty defined shoulders at the end of this. My abs seem to be changing too. And my quads are definitely defining. My ass, well, I'm sure under the fluff it's changing too..

I've successfully recovered from my Mother's Day Food Fest and have a good, solid week under my belt. It's amazing what a week or even a day of healthy eating can do for your mind and body. Sugar really does zap you. And just makes you want to have more. I'm finally experiencing that first hand. I bought cup cakes for my oldest's baseball trophy awards ceremony today and they're sitting on my kitchen counter. I don't even have a flicker of desire to eat them. Not at all. That's big folks. Real big.

Speaking of sugar... I'm trying to cut back on mochas. I know, I know. All diets are dead to me if I have to give up mochas. But, in an effort to meet my goals- physical (and financial for that matter) I've cut way back. I've tried a few stand ins. FAIL. The closest is the Starbuck's Double Shot Espresso Lite. It's 70 calories. And it wakes me up. But I can't nurse it for 2 hours like I do the Grande Mocha. But it's okay. It'll do. But the mocha dragon does not keep her distance. I have to feed her every now and then. I imagine the Mocha Dragon looks similar to one of those chocolate bunnies you got in your easter basket. OH wait- if you google "chocolate dragon," guess what you get?

Maybe it lays Cadberry Eggs.

Hey little floggers!

2010-05-13T09:55:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy few weeks for me. I wish I had my own nanny to mother my children while I sipped coffee and blogged all day. Not really. But kinda, sort. But, no, not really. But....

I had my mother's day weekend chow fest and loss some ground. :( Discouraging, but I'm not looking back. ** cough2lbgaincough** I got to chat with my California twinsie the other night for a whole hour! She really helped put the pieces together and was so helpful. She knows WAY more than I can even pretend to know about any of this figure training stuff. But she's got a down to earth "fuck it" mentality too. I hope she takes that as a compliment, cause I mean it as a compliment. Anyway- she started talking about things like "Drop Sets," and "Carb Cycling" and I just kept saying "Uh huh. Uh huh. Right." Like I was all cool and stuff. And while she's talking I'm frantically you tubing and wikipedia-ing the bejesus out of my computer trying to keep up. It a new world of learning techniques and names and sets and proteins and macro nutrients and supplements and styles and blueberry tea and resting and compound sets, and...and...and the list can go on all mother loving day. And for this home grown bootcamper that just sort of shows up and pushes herself until she almost pukes, but doesn't- that's intimidating. BUT I'm getting there. I feel like I need to take a "Lifting 101 class."

Anyway- so with that- I'm off to the gym! I'm going to show up and look like a complete dork. I have no idea how much to lift or what some of the exercises are that I'm doing. I mean, some I know- but call them my own, formal name like "elbows up" for upright rows. I'm special like that. I'm taking a printed list of exercises so that I can check them off the list. Some have descriptions like: "the one where you look like you're kayaking."

This will be interesting....

Mutha's Day Weekend Beeeeyotch!

2010-05-10T10:28:00.001-04:00

So, I think I got a little diva this weekend with all the wonderful treatment I received from my husband and kids and got into the "you deserve it" mentality and ate too much. I didn't binge or anything- just indulged too much for where my focus has been. But, it's okay. I'm back on track and building muscle!

I did, however, have a fabulous Mother's Day weekend. I got to sleep until 10 freaking 30! Then I awoke to this:

Fischer made me two cards:

It says:

"I lic my mom beccus yoo play with me."

Then:

"I luv my mom becus yoo let mee go to resrut."

(picture of us sitting at a table together eating at a restaurant)

Then he made another card on photoshop on Daddy's computer:

"I like my mom because she lets me make food with her and she lets me play with her and she lets me play legos and I am so happy. I just like her because she lets me do everything."

And there's a cute pic of Fischer and I back in 2003.

Then Amelia made me this mini notebook of a story of she and I going to New York City. She's obsessed with NYC and wants to go really bad. She's a girl after my own heart. So basically she drew us frolicking around the city. We sort of look like Humpty Dumpties with arms and legs poked into us that look like twigs. That's her style... And I love it. Unfortunately I can't find the small book she made. She likes to carry things in mini suitcases everywhere she goes "just in case" and I think she carried it to school with her today.

So that was my morning.

Then I called my mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. She was in Paris with her friend. So she was obviously having a great Mother's Day.

But then of course nothing says Mother's Day like spending all day without your children. So, I met up with some other mamas for a long, drawn out brunch. It was great. Good conversation and lots of laughing. Then I headed to a shoe store where I then roamed around and tried on shoes for 45 mins. No stroller or keeping track of chillins. Heavenly. I had made up my mind that I was going to get some gladiator sandals. And they were going to be all bedazzled and shit. But after trying about 10 pairs I decided I'd go for some jellies.

Then it was pedicure time:

They don't play..

And the part where they scrub my foot and I use breathing techniques to not jerk my leg back because I'm crazy ticklish.

Enjoying the massage chair. I seriously almost fell asleep.

And that's how I spend my Mother's Day.

What did you do?

Shout out! My lil sis has a blog!

2010-05-09T22:27:00.000-04:00

My sister has finally started blogging! It's a good thing because she's hilare. For realsy. And she's also a fitness lover. It's like....we're related.

Look- this is probably the most unflattering picture of us together, but we're about to run!

I'm pregnant. Of course.

And now a prettier pic.

And here we are being us. I believe we did this for a total of 60 mins. Mom dropped us on our heads when we were babies.

Go take a look!

Lindsay Rose

What motivates you?

2010-05-04T22:06:00.000-04:00

So really. Why be a fitness fanatic? Why wake up at the ass crack of dawn to push yourself to the extreme? I used to make of people who did that. Or go run 8 miles on your Sunday off? Or take a kickboxing class? Why do you do it? Is it for weight loss? Is it to get toned by _____ date? Is it for the endorphins/mental health? Are you training for something? What motivates you?

For me fitness is simply a way to express myself. I find I do better with goals- but the goals are not really the point. The end result is incidental. I remember in art school I had an art teacher that had us sketch the most ridiculous things. Once he had us come into the studio and encircle a group of suitcases. We had no idea what were in the suitcases, but we had to stare at them for a certain amount of time and then draw what we saw in them. For 3 hours. Did I say we had to stare at suitcases for 3 hours? 3 hours. Anyway, the point was not to figure out what was in the suitcases and draw it perfectly and lifelike. The point was to sit and watch. Watch and pray, if you will. And let the image come to you. And the process is where the lesson is.

And so how does this relate to wearing a Glittini on stage with glass healed shoes and fake tan? Well, that' my suitcase. And it's fun to imagine what I'll do and learn to get there. Live outside of my head (thanks Monica) every once in a while. See what my body is made of. How my muscles look when they're strong and nourished well. Being physical is a very satisfying, primal, organic experience. I enjoy pushing myself because it removes me from my head and gets me into my body. It breaks everything down. It sorts and simplifies without my analyzing or micromanaging. And then in the end you're heart is pumping, your body is buzzing and you're high. And it's good.

For example: I typed this entire blog post in this position. No, I'm kidding. Just the first paragraph.

Work with your body. Get to know it. Flaws and all. Give it the good stuff. Don't worry- I'm not going to get all Oprah-Elizabeth Gilbert-Eat-Eat-Eat-Eat-Pray-Love on you. (Notice my inflection on the Eat- cause that was my favorite part of the book. Shocker.) You all are smart enough to know what's good for you without someone spoon feeding it to you while braiding your hair and telling you you deserve it. For me, despite all logical reasoning, I know that getting up at 5:40am every weekday is good for me. It is my meditation. My yoga. My "me" time. My prayer. My way of loving myself.

And so that's my motivation. And sure the reality of the Glittini makes me eat a little cleaner and skip those impulse snacks. But the exercise? Well, that's just plain fun.

Why do you do it?

I found a Glittini maker!!!

2010-05-03T12:20:00.002-04:00

Been missing in action. I'm sorry. A client gave birth this week and births always throw me for a loop. I left at 10pm and got back at 6am (right when my bootcampers were waiting for the torture at our neighborhood park). No, I was not all GI Jane, I did not go through with bootcamp. They ran without me. But I had what us doulas call a "birth hangover" for two days. Just in a fog. Throw kids on top of that and you have a perfect mix for protein shakes spiked with vodka.

Just sayin.

Then this weekend was all about yard work. We installed our rain barrel and compost bin. And I added some cucumber vines to the veggie garden. My other ones were killed by hail last week. Then cleaned out a trashed flower bed and made it purdy.

Here's my rain barrel (collecting rain). God must love me cause last night and today it has rained non stop.

Here's my garden. Broccoli and peppers are the closer ones. Then tomatoes in the other bed. I've also got some potted tomatoes and cucumbers and herbs on the porch. And some pot. Just kidding.

The kids and I sprouted some herbs. Look at the cute little cinnamon basil ones that sprouted already!! We'll plant these on the porch soon after they fully sprout.

Yellow= Lemon Balm

Red= Cinnamon Basil

Blue=Spearmint

My figure training is going good! 2 weeks on plan. 4 lbs down. I'm also in a pair of capri jeans that I swore were way, WAY too small for me just a few weeks ago. They are one of the "the prepregnancy jeans" I wanted to be in this summer. And now they're fitting- and not snug. So I guess my ass is feeling the love. What I mean is the ass is going down and getting toned. And (this is super great) a bootcamper has a friend she works with that is a figure competitor! I squealed allowed when she told me. She's going to get me her contact info. And get this: she makes glittinis! Like, a professional glittini maker! I see some bedazzling in my future.... We'll be best friends. We'll drink protein shakes together and talk about our calves. It's going to be so awesome....

I also discovered something lovely. If I put a scoop of chocolate whey protein in my coffee- it kind sorta tastes like a mocha! I know, right? It's a wonderful dream. I also got a free week pass to the Snap Fitness near me. It's literally 1.5 miles away. So this means I can run there, get my weight sets in and run back to mi casa.

Okay- lots going on in my head. Gotta find time to write....

LYLAS,
(Or if you're a guy that reads my blog coughdarylboyercough: LYLAB)
Jen

Okay, okay- real pics.

2010-04-27T10:56:00.002-04:00

Disclaimer:

Okay- for REAL. Here are some before pics. They aren't in my bikini- but they are safe enough for now. Before I get into all the things I have to change about my body. Let me give a disclaimer that I'm okay with these things. I can live with love handles and saddle bags for the rest of my life. I can. The ONLY reason I'm going to show you my extra fat is because of the competition and my "experiment" on how to get rid of them or at least "shave" them down. I have no expectation of myself to maintain a completely lean physique for the rest of my life. I'm a real woman, with real curves. I'm okay with this. But for the purposes of my next goal- I have to change some things to meet it. Okay? So don't get all unrealistic on me and start worrying about every little fat deposit on your body. Or think that that's all I care about. It is my focus for now- but that's because I'm meeting a goal. There are WAY too many great things in life to focus on than love handles and saddle bags. You're smart. You know this.

The Breakdown:

Here's my abs. Let me start by saying I love them. They have come so far from where I started. There are times I wish my tummy tuck scar were lower. But that was the incision he had to make to keep everything smooth. And I'm fine with it. I'm better than fine- I'm thrilled with my tummy. It will, however, prove to be an obstacle when choosing my Glittini wear. But I think I'll be okay. They all seem to wear the bikini circa 1985 anyway where it's all up high and shit. The side view is to show you the Handles of Love. Aren't they precious? Those are the targets with all the cardio. I have to really melt those off.

That little rounded bump on the back has to go. And when I had the lipo done on love handles during my tummy tuck- it cam out a tiny bit uneven (common). So we'll have to see how that pans out of the next few months.

Now the legs...

Again- I like my legs. I have good muscle tone. I enjoy working my legs and often see results fast with my legs. Or at least the part right below my shorts. The minute I raise my shorts are when you can see the bags. It's way more obvious in a bikini. And you will see that soonish.

The stuff on the back of my legs is what I have to target with cardio as well. Gotta melt that bitch off too. That'll come in handy when I need to get in some of my old jeans that are just a smidgen too tight.

And so that is why I'm doing squat jumps, squat presses, mountain climbers, and what not. Burn, burn, burn the bags! Speaking of squat jumps- I gotta go get those in now while baby is napping.

Go do yours too!

Cardio or Die

2010-04-26T14:18:00.000-04:00

Remember that whole post about how exercise is useless for weight loss and diet is the sole determining factor? Well, if you're a woman, it's even more true. Don't you hate it when a man loses weight and you ask him how and he says he stopped drinking beer. Huh. Well isn't that special..... And then us ladies have to track every little morsel of food that passes through our lips and run 5 miles/day to lose 1/2 a pound in one week. Because somewhere in our DNA is the "pack it on the back of the legs and hips so that when she gives birth and nurses we can make sure we definitely don't run out of fat to supply milk" gene. Then the other gene that says: "You know what? Let's be double sure and give her mad love handles. And while we're at it- let's add just smidgen to her chin. K? Thanks!"

As part of this training, I have to figure out exactly how much weight to lose to get me into the 9% body fat group. Now, in my head that means, like, 60 lbs. But then again, 90 lbs just isn't all that becoming. So, I had to do a little real math to figure it all out. I can only assume I'm in the 20% and above category right now. One, because Bag O'Saddles are really flaring right about now. Alone- they probably make up 15% of that fat I'm trying to lose. Two- I store fat very proportionately. I'm an equal opportunity fat distributer. Everyone little part needs some fatty love. Good news is that women like to store fat in their hips and thighs. So it's usually the last to go. Meaning, I'll lean out up top before I lean out down yonder. That sounded weird, but you know what I mean. Short of going somewhere and having my body fat calculated by a large pincher thingy, I'm going on faith that I'm over 20%. Let's be real- it's not a huge leap of faith. You'll get this when I post my before pics. So here's the math:

20%-11%= 9% (body fat goal)

150 lbs (my current weight) X .11 (11%)= 16.5 lbs

150 - 16.5 = 133.5 lbs (competition weight)

That needs to be 16.5 lbs of pure fat. I will be building muscle a long the way- which weighs more than fat. But I gotta burn that fat. So 16.5 lbs of fat will require lots of cardio. Cardio first thing in the morning on an empty stomach is recommended. You get more burn for your buck because your body is using it's reserves instead of what you ate last. Which is what I've been doing with bootcamp anyway. I will eat my last meal around 5pm the night before- then not again until I get home from bootcamp the next morning at 7am. And really- this makes sense. Our digestive systems slow WAY down in the afternoon/evenings. Eating when it's wanting to slow down and rest means it will just store what you've eaten. Isn't that special? And I've always lost weight better by eliminating night eating. It does mean I will need to do more cardio than I originally thought for this particular training. I thought I got to just hang out and do some biceps and maybe a drink a protein shake or something. Nope. No slacking. Shit.

But I'm up for the challenge. I'll post my weigh ins on Mondays. Today it was 149.6 lbs. Pre pregnancy was 140 lbs. But my competition weight needs to be 133.5 lbs. So that's my goal.

What's your favorite cardio???

Before and After Pics

2010-04-23T10:23:00.000-04:00

Made you click didn't I?

We weight loss/fitness peeps LOVE us some before/after pics. It was (and is!) a huge source of motivation for me. And so I took a before pic IN my bikini the other night. And to make it all the more "special," Ed took it for me. In good lighting. And without photoshop. Unfortunately I'm NOT going to post it until I have a good leg on some after-ness to throw next to it. That and Ed is like: "You're not putting this on your blog are you? Cause people are weird." And I'm like: "Uh, no. It's, um, for me. To look at. Because I.....like seeing myself in a bikini?"

I gotta convince him you guys aren't weird. So, don't do anything weird, mkay?

I plan to document my training progress (MUSCLES!). So I'll be taking pics every month. And I promise I will post them. Full frontal. Wait- no, not full frontal. Fully UNtouched. But I may need to wax first. And maybe tan a bit. And maybe get some lipo on the love handles and saddle bags. No, I'm kidding. Just the love handles.

But if I DO want to get rid of my saddle bags and love handles I'm going to have to lose some over all body fat. I'll share with you what I'm eating right now. I'm down 2 lbs this week AND that's WITH my special lady friend. Here's an average day:

The only carbs I eat are that aren't in fruits and non starchy veggies are:

Sweet potatoes

Brown Rice

Oatmeal

Ezekiel bread

Mochas

I only have 1 of those carbs a day and it's at breakfast. I do this so that I know it will be burned off throughout the day and not stick to me if I eat it at night. Remember- I'm trying to lean out for this competition- I will not eat this way forever, nor do I think it's sustainable for that long.

Meal 1: 7:00am

2 slices Ezekiel Toast

1/2 cup low fat cottage cheese

1 cup sliced strawberries

Meal 2: 9:30am

Chocolate protein shake with skim milk and banana

Meal 3: 11:30am

Tuna salad (made with balsamic vinegar and some chopped onions)

2 cups greens

2 tbsp light italian dressing

Meal 4: 1:30 pm

2 tbsp chunky peanut butter

2 celery stalks for dipping

Meal 5: 5:00 pm

Fajita chicken with green peppers and onions

2 cups greens

1/2 avocado sliced up

2 tbsp salsa

1 tbsp light sour cream

Meal 6: 7pm

Apple

Hot green tea with 1 tbsp honey

(I'm not really hungry after dinner)

I prefer to go to bed on a mostly empty stomach so that I burn good fat the next morning at my workout. And I hear it's all the rage. I limit fruit to only 2 servings per day- but give it a free for all on any non starchy veggies- which give me plenty of carbs and fiber. I do try *gasp* to limit my mochas to 3-4 days a week as opposed to 7. My calorie intake on average is about 1300 per day. I plan my meals the day before. Down to the snacks. That way I can relax and just grab my food during the day. It's actually much, MUCH easier than I thought. Planning makes everything easier. But I'm only on week 1. LOL Look at me talking like I'm a pro after having just done this for a week.

And since I can't provide shocking before/after pics for you- I'll leave you with an after, AFTER pic. I want to be Betty White when I'm old and fabulous.

Exercise is useless for weight loss

2010-04-22T07:48:00.000-04:00

I've heard "abs are made in the kitchen" when talking about belly fat. In other words- you want flat abs?-then you better put down the cookie dough and not talk yourself into that organic, whole wheat, cane sugar "because it's healthy" bull shit- cause you're fooling no one. Overeating is overeating. Period. Speaking of periods- they are not an excuse to eat chocolate by the fist full. Okay? Okay. I'm talking mostly to myself as I, of course, decided to start this lean, crazy healthy eating THE WEEK before said period. All I'm dreaming about is drowning in a mocha pool where the only life rafts are hot Krispy Kreme chocolate glazed donuts.

I think I just had a foodgasm.

Anyway, back in 2006 when I lost 65 lbs - I did so with zip, zilch, nada exercise. Okay- maybe I walked a little. Nothing consistent. I really never did anything except monitor my points religiously and the weight came off at the rate of 2-3 lbs per week. Easily. Goes to show if you follow a plan- it will work. But when it came to maintenance- I needed exercise to keep it off. The New York Time's wrote an article that confirmed this for me. Obviously I'm a huge proponent of exercise. The mental health advantages alone are worth it to me. Not to mention all the wonderful things it does for your overall health. However, if your only purpose for exercising is weight loss- then forget it unless you're closely monitoring you intake. In order to lose weight- you need to have a calorie deficit. You gotta burn more calories than you're taking in. The reason I think exercise is hard on those of us trying to lose weight is because it makes us more hungry and we tend to adapt the "I deserve this" approach.

For example: say you run 6 miles. Pretty big deal, huh? You probably burned about 600 ish calories. Good job! Well, later you go to a friend birthday dinner. You made good choices, avoided the the crazy processed gooeyness and maybe have a drink. Then the red velvet cake comes. Your eyes lock on the creamy sweetness and you start negotiating in your head:

"No, I don't need the cake."

"But, it's special occasion"

"But I didn't plan for it and it's really not that big of a deal"

"But, it's homemade and looks amazing."

"Well, I did run 6 miles today..."

A slice of the red velvet cake is roughly 580 calories. And that's if you're taking a thin slice. So you just traded 6 miles for a thin slice of cake. Now, if it's a special occasion and you're allowing yourself a treat- I say go for it! I used to get up early on Thanksgiving to run off what I was about to eat later that day. I get it. But if you're trying to lose weight (create a deficit)- you have to be WAY more mindful of your intake than your calorie output (exercise). Maintenance is sort of a different ball game. The body wants homeostasis. It's easier to eat more loosely with exercise and maintain.

Losing weight is just plain hard and takes some dedication. I've had some years off from that dedication with maintenance (which was mainly controlled with exercise) and pregnancy (mainly controlled by Chocolate Peppermint Milkshakes). So, I'm learning all over again how to have self control and get to where my goal is (which I always make sure is healthy and sustainable). I know from experience that once I reach my goal weight- I don't have to be as strict. My love of fitness will help me keep that in check.

Right now I'm watching calories. On training days (Mon-Fri) I eat about 1500-1700 calories. On non training days I eat about 1300. And I'll play with those numbers until they work. Right now nothing is working because I'm PMSing and blown up like a balloon. Usually I gain about 3 lbs with my period and lose it almost immediately when I start my period. SO......yeah. If there's anything else you'd like to know about my bodily functions- I'd be happy to fill you in. Just shoot me an email. You should see what happens when I eat chinese food!

Don't even get me STARTED.... (in my best Molly Shannon voice)

Hammies

2010-04-21T10:18:00.001-04:00

Holy Cow these figure ladies don't mess around. I did my first "training" routine yesterday. Hamstrings, calves and lower abs. Or "holy shit my hammies are going to rip apart and burn up." But I did it! I kept re reading it thinking there were typos on the number of reps and sets. Nope. I was drenched in sweat and burned 275 calories doing:

HAMSTRINGS
Lying leg curls (with ball) These KILL!
Stiff legged partial dead lift (with 15 lb DB- 30 lb total- need more)
Standing leg curl (with resistance band)
Dumb Bell lunges (press w/ heel)
Seated leg curls
Step Ups / 3 sets of 30 to each leg

CALVES (4 SETS OF 15)
Leg press/Calf (toes in) -onstairs
Leg press/Calf (toes out)-on stairs
Standing calf raises (toes forward)

LOWER ABS (3 SETS OF 25)

Hanging leg raises

Hip raises

Weighted Frog Kicks

After doing this yesterday, I woke up for bootcamp this morning and started down the stairs only to realize my calves where shot! I swear I nearly fell. Guess it's all working.

It's clear to me that I'm going to have to resurrect my gym membership right when I got all cynical and "I don't need you stupid gym." 80% of the sets are meant to be done on a machine. And I'm pretty creative with modifications, but I'll need to challenge myself more without having to buy some fancy pants all in one machine thing to keep in my bedroom. Especially the dead lifts. The highest dumb bells I have are 15 lbs (30 total). I need a true bar bell to lift and add weight. All in good time.

In the mean time I'm reading books like: "Women's Strength Training Anatomy " and "The New Rules of Lifting for Women." So I'm all hard core now you know. I'm not a fan of thick necked women or man arms- so I'll be customizing my muscle build and toning to my liking. I want my legs to get smaller, but stronger. But not man legs. In fact, I don't want man anything. But what attracted me to the idea of figure training was how strong these women are. It's not about getting waifish. It's about embracing your body and working hard to make the best of it. And I really like that.

I'm doing the unthinkable

2010-04-20T09:48:00.000-04:00

So, I've been needing a challenge. Been feeling a bit aimless with my eating and fitness goals. I do good with goals. But, honestly, I'm tired of running. I do enjoy running- but I'm not really interested in doing a race right now. Or an Iron Man. Or anything that requires long amounts of time away from my family. But I did find something that I could work into my schedule (and do at home during nap time) and yet really challenge me. And so for a couple months now I've sort of filed this idea into the back of my head. Not really having the balls to commit yet, but thinking it would be a great challenge and something totally new.....

I'll give you a hint:

Yes. You're seeing that right.

Ladies and Gent (do any guys read this?)- I'm going to train for a figure competition. Oh Holy Hell I can't believe I'm doing this. But I know the minute I put it here, I have to follow through. To quote a new friend and blogger (frogger, if you will) Girl Hero- "I needed a goal bigger than 'getting into a bikini by Labor Day.'"

Now- before you think I'm going to run out to the tanning beds, start pumping protein shakes and living at the gym- this is simply a challenge. Granted, I will be doing some tanning and protein shakes aren't that bad (who am I?). And I won't be spending any more time than I do now working out. I'm just going to change the actual workouts. OH GOD- and then there's the actual competition. *cringe* The idea of getting on stage in a "Glittini" and flexing in heels is quite terrifying for me. Mainly because I have some serious ass jiggle and handles of love. But I'm looking at it as an experiment. I'm not at all going to become a pro figure competitor. I just want see what I can do to my body with the right training and diet. And time... Lots of time.

The biggest and hardest change will simply be my diet. Lots of lean meats and veggies. Limited carbs consisting mainly of sweet potatoes, oatmeal and brown rice. Pretty much no sugar. None. Well, except for mochas- they are free. But.....shhhhhh...I'm going to back off on them a little. Just a little.

SO I'm going to be lifting an awful lot of weights. Cardio will basically be bike rides or walking. Maybe some jogging. This will change up bootcamp sum (though they will be getting more cardio than I will). I tried out a strength routine on them Monday. 400 cals in 45 mins! On just strength! And I'm sore. Real sore.

So there it is. There is no competition registered for yet. I've researched enough to know that I have to spend a few months "shedding." I've got to get my Body Fat % lower. And work on my muscles. They say "Abs are made in the kitchen." So I'll be eating very lean. Then, once I get to a good BF% I'll then take 3 months to train for the show. So I'll have to see what competition will be 3 months out when I get to a good training weight. All in all- looks like I'll be doing a show this year. Now, it may be in some rinky dink town near here with, like, 5 girls total- but still. I'll do it. I'll get on a funking stage in a glittini and clear heels. (hand me a paper bag) And I'll expect every single one of my friends (yes YOU!) to come with me and watch as I do the unthinkable. And then provide the post show shots of vodka. Cause there ain't no alcohol for this chick for a long time...

Okay- so what do you think? Who are you? Am I crazy? Wait...don't answer that. But let me know if you'll follow me through on this. Cause I need some accountability and you're it.

Biceps for the Brain

2010-04-19T12:15:00.000-04:00

I was listening to NPR's Fresh Air the other day when picking my friend up from the airport. There were no kids in the car so I had a chance to focus on something. They were discussing the surprising strengths of the middle ages brain. A woman named Barbara Strauch was on. She is The Times’s health editor and her book “The Secret Life of the Grown-Up Brain” came out this month. The entire interview was really interesting, but what I picked up on was the benefit of exercise and brain aging.

Fitness training actually slows the age-related shrinkage of the frontal cortex, which is important for executive function. "Executive function" is the set of abilities that allows you to select behavior that’s appropriate to the situation, inhibit inappropriate behavior and focus on the job at hand in spite of distractions. Clearly I've already lost some executive function...

Executive function starts to decline when people reach their 70s. But elderly people who have been athletic all their lives have much better executive function than sedentary people of the same age. This relationship might occur because people who are healthier tend to be more active, but that’s not the whole story. When inactive people get more exercise, even starting in their 70s, their executive function improves, as shown in a recent meta-analysis of 18 studies. One effective training program involves just 30 to 60 minutes of fast walking several times a week. Sandra Aamodt, "Exercise on the Brain"- New York Times

Exercise is also associated with reduced risk of dementia in late life. So lace up your shoes now! 30 minutes of walk is better than nothing. I know I tend to think that if I can't devout 60 mins of intense cardio to my workout- then it's worth nothing. First, that's not true. Second, that's stupid. So, I've tried to work this into my every day routine. On my non bootcamp days I strive to get some activity in. The other day I had an hour before needing to be showered and heading out. So I got on the trampoline with the kids and jumped my heart out. Sure, I may have pissed my pants, but I burned 250 cals! And it was fun. The kids and I got some good time together and we were active. Ameila and I even did hand stands along the fence in our backyard. Mother-daughter shoulder work!

So go out and get your move on. Do it. Even if you have 20 mins. Just do it. You'll be so much better for it. It's not all about fat loss and toning. It's about over all health.

This post brought to you by....

Get your sauce on.

Soundtracks

2010-04-15T11:26:00.000-04:00

Music is therapy for me. I love hearing words and beats together. I'm no musician, but if I were, I'd be a drummer. I love drums. Once, when I was in high school I went to a Cranberries concert and the drummer threw the drum stick to the audience. Yes, I caught it. And I coveted that stupid thing for years. Don't get me started on my wannabe Dolores O'Riordon haircut and style back in the day. Anyway, I still use that drumstick on Rock Band when we play. I suck at guitar- both air and real.

Anyway, yeah, music. I'm not particularly poetic or good at articulating things into the right words. But music can just sum so many things up for me. The right song can make me cry right in the middle of anything. Or get spunky. Or dance. Or laugh. Maybe it gives me that outlet to investigate emotions that nothing else really does for me. I don't know... But it's just a big part of my personal workouts lately. And lately fitness and mental health are starting to come hand in hand for me.

I love group fitness, but at least 1 day a week I have to move on my own with my own music. It's therapeutic. Sometimes it's fast and superficial- enter Justin Timberlake and Gwen Stefani. Or it's reflective and melodramatic- enter everything else in my iTunes library. I don't know what it is, but going on a run with music is like pouring my heart out. I feel heard. Does that make sense? Maybe it's just me.

Anyway-for fun- here are some soundtracks from this year's runs:

Therapeutic Run Playlist:

Jon Foreman- Cure for the Pain

Interpol- NYC

Rogue Wave- The Salesman of the Parade

The Cure- Pictures of You
Annie Stela- Heart

Kathleen Edwards-Mercury

Patty Griffin-Florida
Jon Foreman- Equally Skilled
Kathleen Edwards- In State

Iron and Wine-Carousel
Aimee Man-Save Me

A Fine Frenzy-Swan Song
Iron and Wine-Flightless Bird
Jon Foreman- Learning How to Die

Jon Foreman rocks my world these days.....

Spunky Run:
(with my spunky daughter trying on her aunt's shoes)

The Sweet Escape- Gwen Stefani
Mr Brightside- The Killers

Like I Love You- Justin Timberlake

Ageless Beauty- Stars

Maps- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Full Moon- Black Ghosts
Superwoman- Alicia Keys
Keep the Car Running- Arcade Fire
Ray of Light- Madonna
The Violet Hour- Sea Wolf
Set Yourself on Fire- Stars
Pagan Angel and Borrowed Car- Iron and Wine
Race for the Prize- Flaming Lips

Twilight Run:

Twilight Sound Track (minus the lame ones)
New Moon Sound Track

If you think about running with Edward Cullen- you can just keep running and running and running.....

Meet Cherry

2010-04-14T10:37:00.000-04:00

Her name is Cherry.

She's purdy ain't she?

(I'm from the south, but I don't have an accent- I promise)

And the pictures don't do her justice. She's got cute, little swirly flowery designs on her. She's a girl's girl bike. She's beautiful and porcelain. If she weren't a bike, she'd be a Cullen. With swirly tattoos or something.

I've taken her on some nice rides. Though not as many as I'd like.

Every time I ride I feel like I have to kiss my kids and husband good bye "just in case." I live in Atlanta and so my goal was to be able to ride right out of my driveway and into the city and back. But every time I ride I feel like I'm tempting death. Drivers are just crazy. And I get all spooked and end up on the sidewalk for some of the tougher roads- which is just plain dorky. But safer. But....dorky.

And yet there are bike trails just 15 mins away that are made for road bikes. But the idea of putting my bike into my van to go ride seems silly. And the road bike trails are so flat. No hills for challenge. Just doesn't appeal to me. And I can't quite tell if I'm nervous to get out on the city roads because I have to get used to it or nervous because it's dangerous. An old friend of ours was killed on his motorcycle 7 months ago at an intersection just minutes from my house. So every time I go out I think of him. You can't be in control of other people's mistakes. What if a car runs a red light? It's those thoughts that keep me from riding as much as I'd like.

But when I do ride, I feel I could go forever and ever. I read about people doing Centuries (100 miles) on their bikes and think: God that would be fun! I bought Cherry coming off a really low point and felt compelled to change it up. I had always been a runner and bootcamper, but wanted to branch out. Get outside my comfort zone. Expand. And so when I hop on Cherry with my too tight cycling shorts with a built in mega gel diaper to protect my business along side the ever dorky bike helment- I feel like I'm beginning a therapy session. And it's nice. I'm totally distracted with tunes and air and become completely unaware that I'm wearing spandex short- which, in the past, was a recurring nightmare.

And just to make sure you understand:

Notice how they encase my thighs like sausages? Isn't that precious?

So maybe I'll put Cherry in my van and take her to a trail more often. Let her get out more. And I can focus on riding to my heart's content and not on crazy drivers. So next time you see a cyclist pedaling their heart out on the road- don't get annoyed. Don't get pissed because they are in your lane and not going fast enough. Instead- slow down (car and self) and think about how you can feed yourself today like that person is. However that may be.